Sweet.

Tomorrow at work we are all chipping in to make an Indian feast. A colleague did a Mexican feast a couple of weeks ago and it was marvellous. We've got a full kitchen setup, so we might as well. And it's a good idea for the workplace morale.
I grew up with my Da making some of the most wonderful Indian food. Spices clunked together in the mortar and pestle. Curries cooking in the cast iron pan. And especially, the big pot of gulab jamun with the sugar syrup bubbling on the stove in the summer heat.
But I've copped out on making any food from scratch this time. Instead I have a bright shiny box of Indian sweets sitting on my kitchen table waiting for the trip to work tomorrow.
And now I can hear the sugar calling to me.
I will not eat them.
I will not!

Just not near me okay!

I can be a pretty hardcore pacifist at times.
Is pacifist the right word?
I refuse to wear skulls or pictures of guns (now matter how heart-breakingly gorgeous the dress is).
I don't watch scary movies. And avoid traumatic ones. I don't need to invite any more bad feelings into my life. I don't need to increase the gross sum of negativity in my life.
Why would anyone?
If there's the promise of trouble or violence I move away. Sometimes still near in case of help needed. Sometimes taking others with me as I move away.
But I don't like sticking around.

Tomorrow there is an event on at my work.
I'm rostered on to do the meet and greet with the author, and crowd control.
But the event has now been mentioned in the newspapers and on the radio. And the more people talk about security and police guards and death threats, the more I arc away.

More staff are now needed to help out with crowd control. The phone's been ringing off the hook at work with people enquiring about it. Callers asking if there'll be bag checks at the door and trying to tell me about how they worked with the family.
I don’t want to hear it.

I'm now doing crowd control at the entry door.
I don't want to be near this crowd of people slavering at the mouth over salacious details of crimes and corruption. Punters getting hard at the thought of being near such infamy and notoriety.

I'm now directing people on another floor.
I don't want to be forced to stay and listen to some halfwit cashing in on a relatives rotten deeds. And the gasping audience being entertained, all agape and excitingly horrified at it all.



I'd rather go cataloguing.

And that's saying a lot!

Don't let me entertain you.

In Schedule 3A to the Regulations there are 13 requirements that apply to Places
of Public Entertainment. These matters are addressed as follows:

Dangerous entertainment.
Entertainment to be provided will not involve:
• The use of a sharp implement in a manner that poses a threat of harm to
patrons or members of the audience…

Here's hoping the DA doesn't go through before MFTP. Otherwise that's me out.
*grins*

Having said that, I've started drafting up a letter to the council in support of The Red Rattler DA. Wanna do the same? Go here. DA200800322.
Having read it all, I am gobsmacked at the work, time, money and care that the RR collective appear to be putting into this venture. Our world will be a more wonderful place to inhabit thanks to their work.

In other news. I'm feeling a tad better at the moment purely because the amount of work - both of the neccessary, and of the wanted kinds - that has been demanding my attention. Being forced to do many things means that I am actually getting some work done, and hence deriving some sense of job satisfaction from it all. All good for my head.

Thinking positive

Another bloody list of things that please me:

Cuddles that warm me on cold winters days and nights.
Taking that little bit longer with weekend showers, and having a big dry scratchy towel waiting for when I get out.
Chocolate (especially chocolate hidden at my desk at work).
New balls of wool.
Getting something right at work.
Shoes that clack down the street.
Daydreaming.

Orright, best go do some work now, and see if I can get some things right today.
Hi ho.

Not drug fucked

I can be so conservative sometimes. Well... conservative mightn't be the best description. Maybe 'fuddy-duddy' is a better turn of phrase.
But I just really don't like drugs that much.
I really don't.

Sure, some of them can be fun at times, in small amounts, and in certain settings.
But just don't understand people taking what I consider to be big-dance-party-drugs in the more domestic settings. I often marvel aloud at why someone has half an e on a Wednesday night at the Slox.

Any flirting, dancing, conversation, and shenanigans that may seem to be on the cards between me and another, are rapidly shelved whenever the other person is off their chops.
If I don't really know that person, or if they have other friends around them, I tend to wander away.
If they haven't anyone else around I will stay with them and just be still and wait. Wait for them to settle. Wait for the moment to pass.

Is it because I'm a worrier?
Or a caring Mama?
Or just a controlling pain in the ass?
If you're out and totally munted I'm more likely to try and get you to sit down, chill out, and make sure you get home safe; than join you in your world, partying up a storm for the rest of the night.

I try to not state this position too emphatically to people. I'm sure no-one wants to hear me rant about this.
And I don't think less of the people who do take drugs like this. Not one bit.
However what I do find puzzling is this reaction of mine to their drug-affected state.

Ouch.

Been working hard on leveling my head. Getting a bit better as the week progressed. Ended my work day with a gushing phone call from a carer on how wonderful the holiday programmes I ran were. Walked out of work on a marvellous high. And then a tree branch promptly fell on my head.
Ouch.
Now my head really is sore.

My list of things that have delighted me lately:
- Sweet texts and emails from gorgeous people.
- Daydreaming about Kooky costumes and shenanigans
- Laughing at kids upstaging a professional performer at the library
- Cosy morning hugs from Mr M
- Getting a seat on the morning train.
- Successfully cooking sesame teriyaki salmon for dins
yummo

What's happening? I need to go back to the head doc. I need more exercise. I need to take my vitamins. I need more support at work.
My head is shaky. I can't focus my attention on anything for more than a minute or two. I'm feeling fits of red rage all day. Punching walls at work when I think no-one's watching. Slamming doors. And then trying to take deep breaths to calm down enough to speak. I've even been short with library patrons, and that's almost unheard of for me.
I've been trying to fill some time with things that cheer me. And have been lucky enough to share space with lovely people who have been generous enough of their time to stop and listen to me.
But bugger me this is difficult. So difficult.

So here's a list of things that make me happy. That's gotta help, right.
- The way my puppy rubs her head on the carpet while doing a mumble-growl.
- Feeling the love from Mr M.
- Talking about bloodletting.
- Girls with cow licks.
- New full-skirted frocks.
-
aah.fuckit that's it. will try and think of more another time. maybe. *sighs*

Sore, sore head.

How many of you feel like you're teetering on the edge this weekend?
It seems to me that there's quite a few of us that are feeling pretty fucking rotten. Why?
Friends are around. Events are on. Hell, there was even some sunshine yesterday.

I think it's the continuous grind of cold day after cold day. Winter slowly wearing us down.

I've wrestled with domestic duties today. Through a headache that's hung around since late last night and through many shiny painkilling tablets.
Food shopping and clothes washing and vacuuming and mopping.
I am lucky my impulse control still works to a certain degree, or that vacuum would've been hurled through a window.
Man and dog are off on a long evening walk and I am trying to simmer down. I hate cooking dinner in a bad mood. It feels like it will poison the food. A side-effect of too much witchy-poo stuff when younger I s'pose.

I let my head win on Friday night and stayed home when I should've gone out and been fabulous.
And then my bad head lorded it over me all day Saturday.
Mr M was marvellous and dragged me out into the sunshine. Roaming from open house to reverse garbage to cafes and shops. All the while I was trying to stop hyperventilating and crying. Nasty. But by the afternoon it had worked. We had the upper hand and my head went back to behaving.

Took Zen-dog to the Jets game. Met Ms M, Mr Z, Ms & Miss J, and Mr J there. Had beer and a steak sandwich. Zen-dog got 2 sausages. I brought along cupcakes and wore my new blue and white party frock. And the Jets won.
Brilliant.

The frock then stayed on through the Red Rattler event-thing and later dancing at Dirty. Though I ran away from the Phoenix in the wee hours of the morning when the crowd started to grow as fast as my headache.

Hmm. I'd've like to run away today as well. Oh, how wonderful would it would've been to reprise yesterdays sunshiny day. Maybe find a park to fall asleep in. But life duties, and the weather, has conspired against me.

Blast it.

Fabulous new frock. Great outfit idea. Promising night out.
Can't get my bloody head together to leave the house.
Bugger.
Best I can hope for is better luck tomorrow night.

a trifle dull.

Did your last kiss mean anything? Yup. Pure, heartfelt affection.
How old is the last person you kissed? 40 (when he's not 4, or 14 hehe)
Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? Possibly.
What woke you up this morning? Birds outside.
Your current relationship status? Engaged, and in a semi-open relationship, with a yummy lad.
What is your current mood? Relaxed and thoughtful.
What shirt are you wearing? Deep green wool top.
Are you crazy? Nah. Just some anxiety stuff. Nothing that can't be damped down by $$ spent on a head doc.
What was the highlight of your week? Having Mr M's company at a club, and delightful, relaxed Friday Clarence drinkies.
What are you listening to? Etta James.
How long is your hair? Between 1 to 15cms *shrugs*.
Last thing you ate? Cafe breaky cooked by eye-candy J, and with the delicious company of Miss G-doll.
Are you happy right now? Indeed.
Are you wearing make-up? Nup.
What were you doing at 11:30 last night? Waking up with a toothache.
What are you looking forward to in the next three months? More blood and dancing and sex please. Oh, and the onset of summer.
What did you do today? Cleaned the house, rumbled with the dog, went breakfasting and talking with Miss G-doll.
Do you like to smile? Uh huh.
What time do you usually wake up on the weekends? 7-ish.
What are you wearing? Black cotton shoes with embroidered dice, black pants, green top, black cotton knickers, purple and black bra, wristie and silver bangle, 3 rings.
If you could live somewhere else, where would it be? Hmmm. If I were to jump stream I could have fun being a kooky lady in the hills behind Uki for a bit.
Do you like your phone? It's certainly handy.
Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you’re wrong? Geez no. Sometimes I'll stop even when I know I'm right. Arguing isn't fun, and there's often another chance to set things straight instead of during the heat of the moment.
Last time you took a nap? I think I passed out for a moment yesterday. Oh sooo exhausted. But normally 'tis impossible.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone close? I'm sure that's always happening. It's not an awful thing, it's just the way social scenes move and change.
When was the last time you cried really hard? A couple of months ago (hey, that might be a record! That head doc is paying off!).
Who was the last person who texted you? Mr M.
What is your natural hair color? Mid-light brown, I think.
Can you play guitar hero? Nup.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm, without a doubt.
What do you currently smell like? I hope not too bad with my sore tooth? :-(
Last thing you bought? Breaky and coffee
Have you ever shared a drink with anyone? Indeed.
How much money do you have on you? $150 (mostly destined for doc and bills sadly)
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? Always! Though, define 'shouldn't'?
Do you burn easily in the sun? Pretty much.
Where did your last hug take place? An hour ago.
Where were you raised? Tweed Valley and thereabouts, mosty.

Tired of it all.

I've never been much of a napper. I wake early and rarely can sleep in. Short of severe illness, blackout curtains, earplugs and an eye mask, I find it near impossible to stop the "sun's up, body's awake" response.

Today however, I am so exhausted. I nearly dozed off leaning against the washing line. *yawns*
That delirious bone-tired feeling that you feel after doing Mardi Gras (vollie wrangling, parade, party, drugs, recovery and more).
Maybe this is payback from being so freakishly, intolerably perky the day after Inqui?

Last night was pretty cool. After a 80's themed party for my baby straight-girl sisters' 30th birthday, Mr M and I did a costume change and headed uphill (in more ways than one) to Handlebar. Such good music to start with. And exciting to have him out for a wee while. I had a good dance, but later my energy levels dropped suddenly and I had to head home.

So why am I so knackered? I got about 4 hours sleep before the dog woke me. I only had 3 beers the whole night, so I don't reckon I could really be hungover. It feels like somehow a plug got pulled out, and all my energy has been drained out, out, out.

Aah, well. Faffing about on the internet won't help. I only think some vegies for dins, and an early night can help.
*yawns*

For one night, or another night*

Yesterday I picked the first jasmine blooms in the neighbourhood.
Clear white stars blinking at me from a fence as I walked the dog.
To smell that smell again after so many months without, and on an icy cold winters evening, was quite bizarre.
And then I came home from work this eve, opened the door, and was again amazed by the scent dancing down the chilly terrace hallway at me.
First that day (and night) of warm breezes earlier this week, and now this!
It's getting harder and harder to continue to tell myself that summer is NOT just around the corner, that we have aaaages to go yet.



*James Elroy Flecker (thanks, mister. xx -Y)