Operation: Sane Grey

(With no apologies for the bad literary pun - and if you don't get it, tough)

Okay. After a week of good weather in my head, the last 2 days have been back to evil/shaky. I need to sort this out. I know I can because I've been here before, years ago. But I don't feel like waiting for it to get worse before better.
Soooo....I'm now going to write out a battle plan to sort it all out.

Apologies to those who might be looking for some entertaining reading. Go elsewhere. This is my self- indulgent blog, so ner.
But I am writing about it here as a way of somehow making sure I actually do something and not push it down and away.

Life is terribly peachy at the moment. Not a great deal of stuff to be worried about. And what is there is stuff of my own doing (eg: letting work pile up too close to deadlines). But my life is pretty charmed at the moment, so there's not really any external factors influencing my bad head. So that's a start to sorting it.
I won't go into the boring details of my battle plan. But hey, hopefully I'll report some movement in a positive direction soon.

And thankyou to all the wonderful people in my life that have cheered me up so much. Thankyou to everyone who came along for a while for my birthday drinkies. Thankyou for all the hugs and kisses.

And how good was this rain this evening! I walked home in it. Through puddles with my sandals in my hand. Fat drops hitting the back of my neck. Felt so lovely.

Smells like pink in here.

My colleague is on leave for a month, to be a bride, a honeymooner, a wife.

She has left me her office. Oh I do love her office.
Apart from being on the same floor as all the other librarians (as opposed to my solitary confinement 3 floors away), it has a chair that backs onto a wall, a computer moniter that no passer-by can see, and a view of who approaches the workroom and of half the woorkroom.
Talk about dragon seat of power!

However...it is also corrently full of love hearts and streamers and pink (pink!) balloons.
This is the legacy of a pre-wedding prank as only could be pulled by maternal middle-aged librarians.

Now, some of you may know of my disdain for the colour pink. I've never liked it, even as a child. On others, I think it is fine. But it's not for me.
But I cannot pop these fleshy pink balloons, and they are carpeting the room.
Little bubbles of trip hazards, they squeak against each other and up at me each time I walk through.

But by far the worst part is the pervasive latex/rubber smell that hits me each time I approach the doorway.
On top of the smell of the alcohol cleaning wipes being used today, and my already hyper charged up mind, it has been a day of very strange headspaces. And of thoughts not at all suitable to a day working with children.

I am, perhaps, a little ill...

...but only in a good way, methinks.

I just came back from seeing the Sweeney Todd movie.

Think I need to change my knickers.
So hot.
So. Damn. Hot.

Yes, the singing got a bit annoying, but it actually made for a good movie I think.
And yes, it was a tad gruesome at times. I had my hands over my eyes and thumbs in my ears for many parts of it.
But Johnny looked soooo fine, and Helena was marvellous.
The ernest sailor fellow shit me. And the young boy was a bit too 'oh-I'm-singing-in-a-musical' and didn't do so good in acting in some parts.
And, hello, you'd think people would get over the making a baddie effeminate. The Beedle (sp?) wasn't queer, but was playing with a few annoying effeminate characteristics. It's tiresome, my dear actors and directors... please think of something a bit different for a change, yes?

Now, where was I?
That's right, Johnny Hotness. All that pinstripe and long buttoned cuffs and high collars and that mane of hair. *phew*
You've seen the pics? I nearly melted at the sight of him with blood all over his face, caught in the creases of his frown, and making the white stripe in his hair red.

*deep breath*

Okay, in totally different news. It's my birthday on Wednesday. (Yeay me!)
I'll be drinking at the Sly. Come join me. It'll be fun.
I'll try not to talk about blood.
Much.

The calm before the storm?

A few moments caught in this beautiful morning sunshine to be still and quiet. Before the flight path gets noisy. Before the cats start their morning patrols.
Standing in the backyard in my white cotton nightie with the dog at my feet, looking up at the sunlight reflected on the eucalypt leaves.

But now the day is clicking into gear. The neighbours are up and leaving for work. I've got a load of washing waiting to be hung out, and I've started to tidy the front room a little.
My little brother is coming to stay for a while. We're not sure how long for, until he finds a place to live in the big city. *grins* Could be some time then.
It's a stepping stone in the big 'moving out of home' thing. Coming to the big smoke from the country. He's a good kid. He'll have fun.

Today I wait at home for the delivery of Mr M's BIG NEW RECLINER! A thousand thanks to all the friends who chipped in $$ for it. Indeed, I shall take photo's and send them to you!
And then the afternoons' appointments and obligations kick in.
Followed by the delights of the Zip dancefloor! Yeay for dancing.

Today at work...

We had a morning tea in honour of a colleague who is getting married.
Yep. I’m happy for her and all. She’s my best mate here, and hell, I’m even going to her hen’s night (I’ve never been to one before, should be interesting).

But a workplace dominated by anglo middle aged straight women can be weird at times like this. Conversation centred around how “everyone should get married”. But not in a good inclusive way – more in the I haven't and I’m not even able to think about gay people in this context, unless you mention it and I’ll be all ‘tolerant’ and conciliatory in one condescending sentence and then move onto what our resident brides dress will look like.

Perhaps I should’ve spoken up, but everyone was having a great time, and the other 2 queers in the room were lying low and I didn’t want to drop them in it by association. People would’ve looked to them (esp how one is a manager) for further comment or to put me in my place.

Out of deference to my friend I played nice and ate more cake instead of talking.
This probably wasn't a very feminist thing to do. But hey, I've always maintained that I'm a piss-weak activist. And it was good cake.

Then later at lunch someone made a comment about how waistcoats were coming back into fashion and won’t the lesbians be happy.

Excuse me? Since when did wearing a waistcoat = lesbianism. Is this some 80’s code I missed? And then it descended into someone who was wearing a waistcoat saying she wasn’t a lesbian, but maybe if she "got in touch with her masculine side..."
AAAAAAAAAH!
Masculine side!?! WTF!
I wanted to stomp my prettily heeled, diamonte buckled, patent leather shoes onto her flouro crocs and rant about queers and femmes and how no decent dyke would touch her ‘cos she’s such a bloody dag with her bad perm, floral printed oversize blouses and elastic waisted baggy capri pants.
I love my job. But sometimes my colleagues shit me.
You know those that old Librarian stereotypes...well, where there's smoke there's fire indeed.

Stoled and told

1. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 4 months? Duh. But you're not asking about the quality of it eh? On a brighter note, yes, I know that I can remain hopelessly in love for years.

2. What color are your eyes? Dark brown

3. Who was the first person that you texted this morning? Hmm, many - an annoying mass sms re the beloved's birthday.

4. Do you have a best friend(s)? Indeed. Let's go with the plural here okay.

5. What is one thing you question a lot? My memory.

6. Do you lead people on? All the time. Poor buggers.

7. Are you married? There's been no ceremonies here.

8. Have you ever told someone you loved them? Constantly.

9. Is there anyone that doesn’t like you because of something you didn't do? I imagine so. I am forgetful, and not very concientious, and probably leave a trail of annoyed people in my wake.

10. Do you miss someone? Fuck yes.

11. Did any of your friends go out with any of your exes? Ha ha ha ha ha. That's so funny. Of course silly. Tastes and dating pools in our scene overlap in wonderful ways.

12. Are looks important? What - like that cheeky look a certain boy gives me? Hell yeah.

13. What are you wearing right now? Warm winter clothes in the middle of summer *sighs* Oh, and patent leather shoes and a diamonte cut-throut razor pendant necklace.

14. Are you mad at someone right now? Disappointed in a work colleagues attitude and actions, but not mad.

16. Where do you keep your money? All over the place.

17. When was your last kiss in the rain? I do believe I got wet at Bad Dog last weekend *blushes*

18. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? Depends who the someone else is! Mr M can stay in my bed for now. He's cute.

19. How did you wake up this morning? Strangely not so well. Which left me peturbed as I'm normally a great morning person.

20. Which is more romantic? Sunrise or sunset? Sunrise definately! The world is quieter and looks different. I love the perspective it gives. And if you've been up all night it's always got a surreal edge to it. Sunset's too cheesy for me.

21. What was the highlight of your day? Talking to Mr L on the phone.

22. Would you die for someone? Possibly.

23. What's the last bone you broke? Wrist when I was 12-ish

24. How many different letters are in your last name? 7

27. How was your day? Rollercoaster ride in slow motion.

28. Do you live near your best friend? Yep.

29. Are you scared of spiders? Not even slightly.

30. Do you believe in love? Uhuh. Oh yeah. Lots and lots of it.

If memory serves me right

...which it actually rarely does...
I believe I have a gorgeous Mr L to thank for his awesome wishing on stars. At last year's meteor shower he didn't make any wishes for himself - just for others.
And my god it worked.

Bad Dog was everything I could've wanted and then more.
I am still quite dumbfounded.
*blinks*

Oh what delicious fun.

Gas smells awful...might as well live

After a weird morning at work yesterday, where as the Librarian in charge I closed a whole floor due to the knockout stench of chlorine (fortunately from a burst pipe overnight, not actual chlorine gas :-)
To a wholloping low knocking me sideways by the end of the day.
Add in a miserable time with a wisdom tooth and I really wasn't able to make it to work today.
My darlin' man took me up to the doc this morning, and then out for a coffee.

OhMyGodCoffee!
After a month of no coffee it was time to return to the fold.
Here's a picture of her. Isn't she beautiful!

Timely really.
While I've adored my break from caffiene (apart from the first hell week). I've been having probs with my anxiety again, and a nice cup of coffee is my best form of self-medication for it. Whether this is good or bad I usually do not really care at the time.

And for those who will tell me that a spot of exercise would be better for me; yes, I've now many fine activity/exercise related accoutrements thanks to my xmas present haul. So my expectations of myself in this regard are higher than they have been in years.

Boots and all

After reports from the boys in Sydney of hot hot sunny days, we come back from so many soggy wet wet Lismore days to find that the rain seems to have followed us. The weather predictions for the next month are not at all promising.
All I'm hoping for is a bit of sunshine tomorrow to lie on a rock at the Womens' Baths and rebalance my head from the trashy visit north.

Tropical Fruits was a delight of a party. Though how strange the collisions in my head between off-my-chops, dressed up, trashbag reality; and the memories of being a 12 year old at the Lismore show. 20 year-old memories of place rushing back at me while I'm retightening the purple bandanna around my neck and checking out the hot bois walking by.

But it was important to go back to Lismore to reclaim the space with new adventures.
I was surprised beyond belief at the amount of memories crowding back at me at every single street corner, shop, tree, building, and view. I also think I talked about it too much to people. So to those who may've had to listen to my rabbiting on. I apologise sincerely. Thank you for listening. I processs things better by talking, so you would've helped enormously.
And thank you also to those who helped me create new memories of the area.

My highlights of the last few days:
- Ordering new boots! Custom made boots! Oh my. My breathing changes just thinking about it.
- Sharing a space and running around with Miss J.
- Dancing surrounded by the most delicious array of bois, butches and trannyboys, etc. (so much eye-candy I nearly went into sugar shock!)
- Finding my 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, etc wind to keep dancing throughout the entire 2 nights.
- Taking off my soggy boots.
- The grape fight and the big red club sofa at the cafe.
- Having so many fabulous friends to run into, run around with, run me around...
- Talking to people I've been to painfully shy to say boo to before.
- Being a vague trashbag. I don't often let go that much. It was delightful.
- Celebrating last rays of daylight of the first day of the year by playing with sharp and shiny things. *blows kisses* to L, S, and A.

There are many other things, but I am still so vagued out and trashed that this has taken me an hour to type, so I'll leave it for now.
More later.