In my dreams...

They say that water, in dreams, is emotions right?
So if I dream that someone I fancy walks on water - is that something to get worried about?
At least the water was calm.

In other news.
I have had, and do have, so much on lately, that I s'pose it was inevitable that I'd get a bit run down. Work isn't so exciting at the moment that I want to try and drag myself in. Which is sad, because I normally love it.

Today I must leave the house though, before I go nuts. Should get a doctors certificate. And later head over to the other ghetto for evil-ness of a delicious bloodlusty sort.
Until then, there is much resting to do and much tea to be drunk.

Friday holds the promise of dressup fun. Saturday and Sunday I have my baby brother coming to stay.
Maybe we'll take the Zen-dog up to the park on Sunday for a wee picnic if the weather is good. Drop me a line if you want to join us.

(50?) Things every queer Sydney femme should have.

Inspired by Felix’s recent posted link to 50 things every British girl should have.

But I can only get to 40 so far – help me out girls!

1. Black corset – preferably underbust
2. Fishnets – 3 different sizes of netting and some different colours if you can find them.
3. Patent leather mary-janes – chunky soles optional
4. Stilettos you can’t walk in – who’s walking anywhere in shoes like these anyway?
5. Leather wristies and collar – for you or others.
6. Bandanas – flagging colours, or just to accessories with your outfit. Not limited to pockets. How many back pockets do you have in your frocks anyway? Wear them around your wrist, on your handbag, or as a headband.
7. Tulle skirt
8. Spanking panties – see-through or ruffled. You choose.
9. Mens flannie pjs – for the cosy-curl-up part at the end of the play party, or for making the morning coffee in on winter mornings.
10. 2-piece cossies – bikini, tankini, boardies and singlet. Doesn’t matter. As long as the top comes off at the women’s baths.
11. False eyelashes – They always take longer to put on than the entire rest of your outfit. And are always worth it.
12. Floral cotton 50’s frock – for summer promenading down King St and for picnics with tea and dogs in the park.
13. Diamonte jewellery – for glittery bling to dazzle the bois into submission.
14. Glittery eyemakeup – see above.
15. Bindis – yep, more glittery.
16. Home-made harness or other buckled up costuming – Points for custom made. Extra points if you’ve made it yourself.
17. Little leather skirt – for looking tough; or at least for not scaring the boys in manacle toooo much.
18. Fascinators – for when your outfits needs that little lift!
19. Gloves – all sorts: latex for fisting, latex for dressups, cotton for dressups, black leather for choking.
20. Suspenders – sure they look good, but the fun is having a boi dress you… on their knees and fumbling. *giggles*
21. Strap-on – ‘cos you can’t always rely on the lads.
22. Dancing boots – Stomping boots. All night on the floor without blisters boots. Clomping home don’t fuck with me boots.
23. Matching lingerie – Doesn’t matter if it’s a daily necessity or a special treat, everyone must have something matching.
24. Small purse or wallet with wrist strap – for those no-pocket nights on the dancefloor.
25. Toolkit and work area – for hammering together costumes.
26. Jacket – long enough to hide your party outfit from prying cabbie eyes. Not so precious that it can’t be stashed in a corner of the dancefloor.
27. Parasol – for festival days, and at the womens’ baths. Sunburnt décolletage is not so nice.
28. Bright red lipstick – Either of the can’t-be kissed-off type, or the leave lots of lip-prints type. Depending on the evening’s plans.
29. A best boi – not necessarily a primary partner, but someone for coffee dates, to give cuddles and support when needed. Someone to fetch your jacket and make sure you get into a cab okay at the end of the night.
30. Cardie – to keep the chill night air away, and to cover cleavage when people don’t deserve to see it.
31. Glamourous sunnies – preferably retro or with diamontes in them.
32. Apron – for baking cupcakes. Extra points for one that makes your waist look tiny and your boobies look marvellous.
33. Knee-high socks
34. Cotton nightie – for morning-after cups of tea in the backyard in summer
35. Work pants – grubby stained mens’ pants. For looking dishevelled and butch while doing the gardening, fixing the bike, cleaning out the shed or painting.
36. Large scarf – for covering cleavage, sitting on the grass at the footy, and panicky bad hair days.
37. Indian bangles – for those days when you need a little jingle.
38. Something slinky – as in a dress. Conservative, formal, stunning.
39. Pearls – To go with the slinky. Or to wear while being dirty. Or both.
40. Custom made corset – your choice of fabric. No-one better get one made like it, or else.

Sheer madness

Mr Murphy has just eaten apricot jam on toast with TOASTED CHEESE ON TOP!
WTF!
The man's crazy.

Sheesh.
Lucky I like crazy bois.
*shakes head*
Even if I don't like that sort of crazy-weird-arse food combination.

Love.

When he went into the nursing home many years ago, from a nasty stroke. I grieved.
It was a short sad rough grieving. After all, he was still here; but it was just a different him.
At the time I thought (hoped? feared?) it would take the edge off the hurt and grieving later, when he went away.

But I was so so so wrong.

Can't say more without sounding trite.
So here's a photo.
















(30 years ago)

last nights writing...

On this warm spring night I sit at home with the ghost of what the night might've been floating around me. Desires that smell like musk and patchouli drift by.

Unable to shed the heat and light and noise of the day, I sit alone in a cool house. Trying to gather my thoughts. Trying not to breathe in the sweet scent of possibilities hanging expectantly around me. Perhaps I should push through. Push myself harder. Push back the growing feeling of nausea and dizziness.

It seems the whole world is out on the streets and in the cafes and clubs tonight. Buoyed by the unexpected warmth of the day. Like cicadas that come out of the ground during the first warm night, leaving little holes in the soil for us to find in the morning. Drunken chirrups are sounding up and down our street. Normally quiet all winter long but for the dogs barking, it's now full of shrieking laughter, yelling over music, heels clacking on the road, smashing glass. The air smells like magic. It seems like summer has begun.

But I'll stay here instead. Inside. Trying to keep my breathing steady.

Frock on!

Being bridesmaid for my sister hasn't seemed too tough, so far out from the wedding. But it's getting crunch-time for the frocks. She's happy with us all in little black dresses. Which is lovely as we can wear them again another time.
Earlier this week, the two of us took a day off work and went shopping to see what we could find.
The dress she eventually felt good about was one that was quite unflattering. But it went well with the style of her frock; and after all, the whole thing is not about me being cute, is it. So I was quite happy to suck it up and wear whatever she wanted.
But now the other 2 bridesmaids have also tried on the same dress, and even with their wildly differing body-types, we all seemed to have found that it was an entirely unacceptable style.
So now we are back to finding 'whatever'. Any style we want - just black and accomodating of a ribbon around the waist.
I'm happy about this. But sad for my sister who obviously just wants the whole thing sorted already.

And speaking of dresses. Dressaday "A dress. Mostly every day", has a lovely wee post on 10 reasons skirts are better than pants. In case anyone needs a reason to wear a skirt on the weekend.

In/external forces.

All the signs are pointing in that direction. Gah.
Sometimes PMT gets me all fluey and ill, and sometimes it sends me twitchy and a bit erratic.
I'm on an erratic swing at the moment. Feeling a bit lalalalalalalala!
Gotta try and stay on an even keel.

On another note, I had my annual performance appraisal today. Was a bit peaked out about it. But all went well. Boss-lady didn't talk about herself too much; and because we both have a fondness for conflict avoidance, we both seemed pleased to gloss over the tricky stuff.
Yay.
And now, back to my little bookish domain for another year.

In celebration of my first grey hairs.

One of the things I love most dearly about our delightful queer scene is that it feels like a space that I can grow old in.
I don't feel that I have to leave the fun behind and disappear as I get older.
There are people decades older than me who are still welcomed on the dance floor, who still go out to events and (importantly) who still pick up. Grey hair is hot social currency. And skills aquired through years are valued - be these associated with event organising or BDSM or anything inbetween.
It's not a scene solely based around the celebration of youth. It's more of a scene based around the celebration of us.
Yay for us!

inside, outside, upside-down

Lately I feel as I've been a little more engaged with life, and with my life. I am feeling the luxury of a little perspective, and have not been quite so amazingly ground down by anxiety.
It's still there as a constant low hum. But like someone with tinitus, I think I'm getting used to it, and even starting to get on with my life despite it. Ignoring it where I can, and fighting it when I have the strength.
I've been lucky enough to be feeling a fair bit of delight in my life lately. Things are in a good place, and the warming of the weather is also starting to help my mood.
There's recently been a great deal of remembering of my life when I was younger.
Remembering who I was and how I viewed the world, and where I wanted to be, and the choices I made. I am such a different person now. But I do miss the younger me as well.
After the last 6-12 months of feeling like I'm keeping my head just above water mentally and emotionally, I'm now starting to feel a sense of gain, a sense of movement upwards and forwards. Things are falling into place more often. Hard work is being rewarded. The universe is granting me some gifts.
*smiles*