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So many endings and new beginnings.

2009-01-29T19:12:00.004+11:00

I always seem to drop off on the blogging in summer. Perhaps just too much going on, and too many emotions whirling around. The latter is definitely the case this time. Am home sick because I've got myself all worked up about things.
On top of Christmas and New Year and January's party and birthday rush...

Now tomorrow is my birthday.
I do love having birthdays. The excitement of wondering what the next year might hold for me. Looking back at how much fun I had the year before. Looking back at the grand arc that has been the rest of my life; the way it curves and moves in the light. The directions it's taken and the adventures that have been had.

I've been really really enjoying my life the last 6 years. I think Saturn's Return hit early, and now, there's an overwhelming feeling of a year of big things ahead for me - like a last kick up the bum for all the changes I put into play in my life 6 years ago. I know 'may you live in interesting times' is said to be a Chinese curse. But come on folks - we all know I'd be bored otherwise.

So let the interesting times roll!

Tomorrow.
On my birthday.

But until then I have an evening stretching ahead of me for lots of thinking and remembering.
I have found myself this year becoming someone I barely recognise at times. I look at what's happening in my life; the fabulous people I call my friends; the adventures we get up to; the parties; the costumes; the lives we've constructed for ourselves... and it just seems so magical and amazing. It's like some mythical world the child me could only dream of. And here it is, shining right in front of us.

On the weekend I'm having a picnic in a park to celebrate turning 33. We get to picnic in a beautiful park. We can bring our dogs and let them run free. We can bring food and drink and alcohol. We can talk about whatever we want. We can be openly, wonderfully, queer.
There are so many places in the world where this is not possible.
And I am so bloody grateful that we live in this wonderful part of this city, in this wonderful part of the world.
Being able to live our lives in ways of our choosing.
Sure there'll be folks out there who could find a million things to criticise about our current situation. But right now I'd rather focus on the amazing things.
It's my birthday after all.

Things I've loved about this year:
- Dancing and dressups
- Meeting and connecting with new delicious people
- Writing a sex tips column
- Mr M hitting his stride with his work and health.
- Getting Sane (this was sooo not overrated! If you haven't tried it, give it a burl)
- Puppy Love
- That time I stopped caffiene and the other time I stopped sugar.
- Crochet & picnics in the park.
- All the times that my heart sang and my body buzzed.
- Ack, of course there's more, but I got a headache so it's slow going in there today...

(Man, this is turning out to be a terribly positive post for someone who's spent a week or 2 in an awful rotten headspace)

Orright.
Enough already.
More later I expect.

Yay!

2009-01-08T15:03:00.002+11:00

*plotz*

*plotz*

*plotz*

I am a lucky happy girl.

Oh sure, there are ten thousand dramatic tales from December and New Years'. But right now I am just feeling very cheery and special and totally not anxious about the world and dreadfully, dreadfully excited about the adventures the new year will hold.

*wiggles*

Giftmas

2008-12-25T20:51:00.003+11:00

Have decided I will put a ban on girly pressies for upcoming birthday.
Now have makeup, bathrobe (pink!), cookbooks, frilly knickers, bathstuff, facial vouchers, chocolates, teacups, jewellery, dresses, etc.
All thought about carefully, given with love, and extremely lovely. I'm delighted to receive them.
But for someone who is new to this uber-girly stuff, it's a tad overwhelming.
A small tsunami of societal assumptions/obligations/expectations.
Now I think about it - am surprised I didn't get any candles.

On the upside; Mr M did do well with gifting me a delicious tough black leather bag though. *drools happily*

Making time for dreams.

2008-12-13T12:20:00.003+11:00

Okay - so I didn't get my November novel finished this year.
I didn't have a clear plan; wasn't reading for the starting pistol; and then the story took me into areas that I wasn't comfortable with. But I did get some short stories done, and worked on a picture book as well.
Not anywhere near the 50 000 word goal. But any writing is better than none.

Now, NaNoWriMo is a weird and rewarding experience. Basically you cut all the extraneous activities from your life and focus all spare energies on writing furiously for a month.
It's a wonderful new headset to be in.
And following from this year, there's been an email sent out by the fulla that makes the Nano magic happen, that points out how we can get limited by our regular lives and jobs...

(snipped from his email)
"Whatever you think you are, you are more than that. You possess a fearsome array of skills and abilities, and the most satisfying of these may be completely unknown to you now. Your curiosity is a dependable guide; follow it. Put yourself in unfamiliar places. Kindle passions. Savor the raw joy of making things, and then remake the best of those things until they take someone's breath away." - Chris Baty

Lovely to read on the first day of 3 weeks of holidays.
Off now to look for some kindling and matches for my passions :-)

2008-12-11T20:16:00.002+11:00

Excellent x-mas stockings - spotted in a $2 store at Wynyard Station:

Lots to say right now. But actually had an after-work beer today. Too zonked and beery to type anything coherently. Going to find food instead.

Must up the self-care stakes a bit lately. Am feeling pretty good about life, but have a hunch I've not been looking after myself as much as I could.

One more chockablock day at work tomorrow, then holidays. Yay!

Tomorrow holds a stocktake, 2hrs on desk, assessing sidekicks work and writing up stuff for their next 3 weeks without me (unneccesary I think - but they requested it :-) and setting up for the work Christmas party.

All this in tulle and heels.

Today was in black and boots. A Librarian excursion around the council area. Some keen colleague wore a pedometer - 8kms we walked. Lots of stairs. It's not a flat part of town.

Mr diabetic-overweight-heart-attack kept up admirably, and talked the whole damn way!

Goth-sidekick jokingly complained about being attacked by the nature. Friend at the Depot apologised for 'the boys' behaviour at the Melbourne Cup lunch. Imagine I'll get more of the same at the Christmas thing tomorrow.

Ah man. I wasn't going to write anything. Wups.

More later.

Point form.

2008-12-04T09:19:00.004+11:00

No posts for ages. So here's a wee update:

- Work is getting steadily better. Only had 2 meltdowns recently, and am getting a lot more work down. Sidekicks' enthusiasm is slightly infectious, which is a joy! And the newest sidekick has seen me in anxiety attack mode and didn't freak out, which was good.
- A week and a half until 3 weeks holidays. This is also awesome.

- My Ma is coming to stay for a couple of days which is exciting. Then heading off to my sister's new house which could be politely referred to as in the outer suburbs of Sydney.

- I didn't stop eating sugar as a weightloss thing. It was more for my moods as well as giving my insides a break from it. But I noticed this morning that my favourite work skirt is very long, that is, it's sitting low on my hips now.
- Weightloss could be good for my health. But I'm unsure as to how I actually feel about it. Certainly not super-happy like girls are usually trained to feel about it. This may stir up some heavy head stuff.

And speaking of girl stuff...
- I wore pink. ACK! PINK! A ruffled pastel pink tulle skirt no less. I wore it out Kooky dancing and it was good. The only pink I could find in the house to accessorise were a couple of pink buttons from Mr M's great-aunts' button collection, and his 'nipple' badge that I wore on a necklace.
- Some people thought that the skirt was apricot, flesh, mushroom, or beige coloured. Rotters, the lot of them!

- I am already trying to think of good outfits for New Years' Boots are sorted. Have a shortlist for skirts. No idea what tops to wear.
- Am considering every night out dancing as a training camp (Boot Camp Hahaha!) for the all-night dancing of New Years'. So far so good.

Ah, there's probably more to catch up, but I should get stuck into the work day instead now.
xx

Baaa...

2008-11-26T14:20:00.002+11:00

Everyone is doing it. I'm bored at work. So here it is.
3 things meme:

THREE JOBS I HAVE HAD IN MY LIFE:
Legal Clerk
Sex Tips Columnist
Fish Shop girl

THREE PLACES I HAVE LIVED:
Newtown
Mermaid Waters
North Tumbulgum

THREE SHOWS THAT I WATCH:
The news
Spicks & Specks
Scrapheap Challenge

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN:
Underground
Underwater
Inside your head

THREE PLACES I HAVE BEEN THIS LAST WEEK:
My desk at work
The Hospital
Sydney Park

THREE PEOPLE WHO EMAIL ME REGULARLY:
My Ma
Ms S
My Boss

THREE OF MY FAVORITE FOODS:
Broccoli
Coffee (it SO is a food!)
Macadamia nuts

THREE PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:
Coogee Women’s Baths
Wrapped up in someone’s arms
On a dancefloor

THREE THINGS I AM HOPING FOR IN THE NEXT YEAR:
Bravery
Freedom
Safety

Cracked.

2008-11-09T08:39:00.003+11:00

Some days I really feel like a shell of a person.
Not doing things 'right'. Not trying hard enough. Not being as smart or strong as I should.
I forget things too much. I get so much wrong.
No good.

trifling update

2008-11-06T10:48:00.000+11:00

Well, here we are.
It’s been a full on few weeks. And in 2 days time I’ll have a weeks’ holiday, which is a beautiful thing to behold.
Oh to have a little breathing space in my life.
After yesterday's tears, this morning was quite good. Zen-dog and I went for a wonderful walk around Sydney Park. Well, I walked and she did doughnuts around me like a crazy thing! *laughs*
It’s lifted my mood a little, but anything is better than yesterday. Oh that was an ugly day. (Yes, yes, Obama won, ‘tis brilliant, sure. I gave me a moment to sigh with relief, but it didn’t have any bearing my immediate mental state yeah).
I’m thinking that my bad head might have a little to do with my body adjusting to the different fuel I’m giving it at the moment. After all, it’s been about 5 days now since I’ve eaten any sugar.
Yes. You heard correctly. Miss sugar-addiction has stopped. Cold turkey pretty much. I’ve still had a serve or two of fruit each day, or a glass of milk (cow/soy/rice) here and there. But no sugar. Even when I came into work to find my colleague had gifted me a bar of 70% dark lindt choc I still didn’t!
Here’s hoping things only get better from here.

I need a break.

2008-10-28T09:30:00.000+11:00

Dear Brains Trust,
Suggestions are needed for somewhere for Mr M and I to have a wee holiday.
Preferably no more than half a days drive from Sincity. Coastal might be nice this time.
Doesn’t need to be a fancy destination. We’d be happy with a cabin in a caravan park.
He likes poking around antique shops and museums; and I like real coffee and trees.
Ideas anyone?
Many thanks,
Miss Y.

one less night

2008-10-26T10:13:00.003+11:00

I try and be good all week. Rug up against the sudden chill in the weather. Drinking herb teas. Not pushing myself too much. No beer on Wednesday. No beer on Friday even. Looking forward to Kooky.
Telling myself to get through the busy work week in one piece and I can get to the dancefloor.

Worked Saturday day with a sore throat and fever. Physical work, outside. Home and resting after. Quiet. Chill. Hope for the best.
Night falls and I head to the local for one drink with the delicious Ms J. At the pub a neighbour walks past asking if they'll see me at Kooky later.
But sadly no. It seems there's no 2^nd wind to be had.

Even others who were sickly and weren't going, were now perking up and heading out into the night. Rubberball, Kooky and beyond. Peer pressuring texts flew in from all fronts. Even Mr M traipsed about the town, from BBQs to drinks with friends. 'Tiptoeing' in after 1am.

But instead I was in bed by 9.30, dreaming fitfully of dancefloor shenanigans between waking to blow my nose.
For breakfast this morning I've had a huge pot of herb tea and some daydreams of what last night could've been like.
*sighs wistfully*

After the heat of the day.

2008-10-19T20:42:00.001+11:00

Tonight I have sent my apologies with Mr M, to a backyard full of loud friends. I think my limit for today has already been reached. It will be an early bedtime for me.
Today was full of excellent chats with gorgeous friends. My skin now holds a soft scent of sweat, suncream, puppy dogs and the hugs of the day.
But now, tired and dizzy, I sit exhausted in a quiet house. I've not had enough proper sleep or food, but for dinner I found a huge, ripe, sweet mango hiding in the fridge. It's juiciness revived me a little.
I have a lot running around my head at the moment. But tonight I shall just let it all run free. Deeper thoughts will have to wait until I have found a more even keel.

sheepish

2008-10-18T09:25:00.002+11:00

Made it to the weekend intact. Just.
And have worked out this morning why my head is all wonky. It was so obvious I didn't see it before.
Will get myself sorted out and enjoy the weekend now.
Household chores this morning, and then I think I shall sit on the front verandah with a cuppa tea and wait for the horses to procession past.
Hopefully all the nights plans will, well, go according to plan.
Life is good.

"You've got to, ac-cen-tuate the .."

2008-10-17T18:37:00.002+11:00

"...oh fuck off!"

I've tried to concentrate today on keeping my head level - with varying degrees of success. There were some high points. Like actually being hard at work when the big boss lady came to visit me in my little office away from home.

But also some low points where even dirty bloodlusting daydreaming wasn't working and I just wanted to tell all the weirdos to fuck off and go and be weird somewhere else.
Of course, they were just being people and it's probably just my low tolerance levels that were to blame.
Mostly.
*low growl*
Fucking weirdos.

No rain on him.

2008-10-14T22:34:00.004+11:00

Aaah, rainy days in the library. It brings all sorts in.
Today we had more than our average amount of nutters. They were all in good moods and well behaved. They normally are.
It's the ratepayers you have to watch out for. And the scores of HSC students (not) studying throughout the building at the moment.

Anyway, I had a brilliant exchange with one today.
He found a few things to read, and kept coming back to the desk, talking at some of the younger staff members about psychopaths and nazi's and the like. I deflected him a couple of times in gentle ways.
Later then he comes up close to me singing "20 miles is a long long way to go to see my baby"
I laugh and ask, "Would you like me to look up who sang that sir?" (we sometimes get those sort of questions)
"No no no, but we've come along way since then, since the 60's. 20 miles is a long way. I wonder what that is in kilometres?"
"Shall I look up the answer for you sir?"
"Oh no."
"Well that's what we're here for. Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to help you find."
"20 miles is a long way to walk. I like walking. It's a fabulous form of exercise."
And just as he starts to walk away I can't help but call after him; "And aren't you lucky the weather has just cleared for you sir."
And then he turns and walks out the door into the sunshine.

Then one of the other nutters walks past and nods at me with a smile, saying "smooooth".
Too funny.

sad flatlands

2008-10-13T21:44:00.003+11:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything, but my mood is pretty flat, so I'll not write much.
Life has been full of much joy and delight lately.
I wish I could split myself in 3 to be able to do more and enjoy more. As it is I think I'm a wearing myself a bit thin, so I'm really trying hard to keep the self care up.
Work has been very busy, but also in a good way.
On the horizon is a wee holiday with Mick, which I'm looking forward to immensely.
Oh, that is all. More later when my mood has lifted.

Pink?

2008-10-07T20:51:00.002+11:00

Okay. Everyone knows how much I am, well, not terribly fond of the colour pink.
I can't stand it. I nearly turned and walked out of a shopping centre on the weekend because it was all festooned in bright pink for breast cancer fundraising. I never had, or wanted, a pink bedroom as a child. And have no memory of wearing pink since I could choose my own clothing, apart from one dress that was so light it was nearly white.
I put it down to being a 'Mary, Mary quite contrary' by nature. I'm supposed to love it because I'm a girl. Girls love pink. Society says they should. Pink is cute. Pink is sweet and nice and pretty. Just like girls should be.
Raaaarrrr!
x 10!

Okay.
Now I've got that off my chest.
Again.
I must confess, I've done something I never thought I would.
I bought 3 metres of fabric with the intention of sewing it into a piece of clothing.
And yes - it's pink.
I truly mystify myself sometimes.

It's a dusky pink, with a grey and white 50's style pattern over it. I makes me want to make something retro with it. I can't sew for shit. I can bodgy things up though. So we'll see what happens eh. I walked past and looked at this fabric at least 4 times, and walked away 4 times. Shaking my head because it's pink and I don't do pink. There was a yellow version there, but it didn't inspire in the same way.

Maybe I should throw my hands up in the air and give in. Wear pink. Wear it everywhere. In every shade.
However that would probably muck with my head more than anyone else's.

In other news: Yay for an awesome weekend. I am so tired now I could die. As soon as I've finished typing here it's teeth, jarmies, bed.
Guerilla Star was v special. I was sad I didn't find my dancing groove until after Gemma's set, but once I did it was fantastic. The shows were inspired. Hurrah for alien sex and green goop! And even the door-bitching was fun. Helped by nearby eyecandy, wonderful company, chocolate and camera phone fun.
After a couple of hours sleep and some household chores, Mr M and I tottered off to watch the Jets in the grand final with Mr's Z, M, & K. 'twas great fun, but I'm glad I had to leave before the end, so I didn't see them lose in the last moments :-(
Baddog setup was fun. They were quite welcoming, and I was suprised that they didn't work us harder. Bailed on Gurlesque after, and hid at home instead. Couch collapsing and good food before heading out again.
Had such a good time dancing at Baddog. The music was consistently good all night. Mr M had a great time, though I had to drag him home earlier than he probably wanted to because I suddenly got soooo zonked.
Scared the poor cab driver because of the fake cuts on my face. His face looked quite panicked looking at me when I got out of the cab. Couldn't work out why at first because I'd forgotten they were there.
Apart from a brief waking to let the dog out and give her some food, I slept until 1.30pm. That's a record for me. Still so tired.
Okay. Really should go sleep now. Big day tomorrow.
*yawns*

Weekend joys.

2008-10-05T10:48:00.003+11:00

I love playing dressups for a night out and about.
I love bouncing through rooms full of delicious friends.
I love dancing hard to good music.
I love waking, still tired, to the sound of the house tiptoeing around me.
I love mornings that are grey and cool when I am exhausted from a big night of partying.
I love a big mug of strong coffee from the stovetop espresso, and a bowl of warm bircher muesli - halfway between heaven and porridge!.
I love padding through the house, collecting the shoes, clothes, & jewellery I had discarded quietly, when I came home in the early hours of the morning.
I love weekend showers when I take just that little bit longer under the water, and having a new fresh scratchy dry towel waiting afterwards.
I love long weekends: Having yet another night to look forward too, another costume to think up, and another dancefloor waiting.

In my dreams...

2008-09-25T10:31:00.003+10:00

They say that water, in dreams, is emotions right?
So if I dream that someone I fancy walks on water - is that something to get worried about?
At least the water was calm.

In other news.
I have had, and do have, so much on lately, that I s'pose it was inevitable that I'd get a bit run down. Work isn't so exciting at the moment that I want to try and drag myself in. Which is sad, because I normally love it.

Today I must leave the house though, before I go nuts. Should get a doctors certificate. And later head over to the other ghetto for evil-ness of a delicious bloodlusty sort.
Until then, there is much resting to do and much tea to be drunk.

Friday holds the promise of dressup fun. Saturday and Sunday I have my baby brother coming to stay.
Maybe we'll take the Zen-dog up to the park on Sunday for a wee picnic if the weather is good. Drop me a line if you want to join us.

(50?) Things every queer Sydney femme should have.

2008-09-23T11:34:00.003+10:00

Inspired by Felix’s recent posted link to 50 things every British girl should have.

But I can only get to 40 so far – help me out girls!

1. Black corset – preferably underbust
2. Fishnets – 3 different sizes of netting and some different colours if you can find them.
3. Patent leather mary-janes – chunky soles optional
4. Stilettos you can’t walk in – who’s walking anywhere in shoes like these anyway?
5. Leather wristies and collar – for you or others.
6. Bandanas – flagging colours, or just to accessories with your outfit. Not limited to pockets. How many back pockets do you have in your frocks anyway? Wear them around your wrist, on your handbag, or as a headband.
7. Tulle skirt
8. Spanking panties – see-through or ruffled. You choose.
9. Mens flannie pjs – for the cosy-curl-up part at the end of the play party, or for making the morning coffee in on winter mornings.
10. 2-piece cossies – bikini, tankini, boardies and singlet. Doesn’t matter. As long as the top comes off at the women’s baths.
11. False eyelashes – They always take longer to put on than the entire rest of your outfit. And are always worth it.
12. Floral cotton 50’s frock – for summer promenading down King St and for picnics with tea and dogs in the park.
13. Diamonte jewellery – for glittery bling to dazzle the bois into submission.
14. Glittery eyemakeup – see above.
15. Bindis – yep, more glittery.
16. Home-made harness or other buckled up costuming – Points for custom made. Extra points if you’ve made it yourself.
17. Little leather skirt – for looking tough; or at least for not scaring the boys in manacle toooo much.
18. Fascinators – for when your outfits needs that little lift!
19. Gloves – all sorts: latex for fisting, latex for dressups, cotton for dressups, black leather for choking.
20. Suspenders – sure they look good, but the fun is having a boi dress you… on their knees and fumbling. *giggles*
21. Strap-on – ‘cos you can’t always rely on the lads.
22. Dancing boots – Stomping boots. All night on the floor without blisters boots. Clomping home don’t fuck with me boots.
23. Matching lingerie – Doesn’t matter if it’s a daily necessity or a special treat, everyone must have something matching.
24. Small purse or wallet with wrist strap – for those no-pocket nights on the dancefloor.
25. Toolkit and work area – for hammering together costumes.
26. Jacket – long enough to hide your party outfit from prying cabbie eyes. Not so precious that it can’t be stashed in a corner of the dancefloor.
27. Parasol – for festival days, and at the womens’ baths. Sunburnt décolletage is not so nice.
28. Bright red lipstick – Either of the can’t-be kissed-off type, or the leave lots of lip-prints type. Depending on the evening’s plans.
29. A best boi – not necessarily a primary partner, but someone for coffee dates, to give cuddles and support when needed. Someone to fetch your jacket and make sure you get into a cab okay at the end of the night.
30. Cardie – to keep the chill night air away, and to cover cleavage when people don’t deserve to see it.
31. Glamourous sunnies – preferably retro or with diamontes in them.
32. Apron – for baking cupcakes. Extra points for one that makes your waist look tiny and your boobies look marvellous.
33. Knee-high socks
34. Cotton nightie – for morning-after cups of tea in the backyard in summer
35. Work pants – grubby stained mens’ pants. For looking dishevelled and butch while doing the gardening, fixing the bike, cleaning out the shed or painting.
36. Large scarf – for covering cleavage, sitting on the grass at the footy, and panicky bad hair days.
37. Indian bangles – for those days when you need a little jingle.
38. Something slinky – as in a dress. Conservative, formal, stunning.
39. Pearls – To go with the slinky. Or to wear while being dirty. Or both.
40. Custom made corset – your choice of fabric. No-one better get one made like it, or else.

Sheer madness

2008-09-18T20:20:00.004+10:00

Mr Murphy has just eaten apricot jam on toast with TOASTED CHEESE ON TOP!
WTF!
The man's crazy.

Sheesh.
Lucky I like crazy bois.
*shakes head*
Even if I don't like that sort of crazy-weird-arse food combination.

Love.

2008-09-16T08:31:00.003+10:00

When he went into the nursing home many years ago, from a nasty stroke. I grieved.
It was a short sad rough grieving. After all, he was still here; but it was just a different him.
At the time I thought (hoped? feared?) it would take the edge off the hurt and grieving later, when he went away.

But I was so so so wrong.

Can't say more without sounding trite.
So here's a photo.

(30 years ago)

last nights writing...

2008-09-14T08:02:00.001+10:00

On this warm spring night I sit at home with the ghost of what the night might've been floating around me. Desires that smell like musk and patchouli drift by.

Unable to shed the heat and light and noise of the day, I sit alone in a cool house. Trying to gather my thoughts. Trying not to breathe in the sweet scent of possibilities hanging expectantly around me. Perhaps I should push through. Push myself harder. Push back the growing feeling of nausea and dizziness.

It seems the whole world is out on the streets and in the cafes and clubs tonight. Buoyed by the unexpected warmth of the day. Like cicadas that come out of the ground during the first warm night, leaving little holes in the soil for us to find in the morning. Drunken chirrups are sounding up and down our street. Normally quiet all winter long but for the dogs barking, it's now full of shrieking laughter, yelling over music, heels clacking on the road, smashing glass. The air smells like magic. It seems like summer has begun.

But I'll stay here instead. Inside. Trying to keep my breathing steady.

Frock on!

2008-09-12T10:09:00.004+10:00

Being bridesmaid for my sister hasn't seemed too tough, so far out from the wedding. But it's getting crunch-time for the frocks. She's happy with us all in little black dresses. Which is lovely as we can wear them again another time.
Earlier this week, the two of us took a day off work and went shopping to see what we could find.
The dress she eventually felt good about was one that was quite unflattering. But it went well with the style of her frock; and after all, the whole thing is not about me being cute, is it. So I was quite happy to suck it up and wear whatever she wanted.
But now the other 2 bridesmaids have also tried on the same dress, and even with their wildly differing body-types, we all seemed to have found that it was an entirely unacceptable style.
So now we are back to finding 'whatever'. Any style we want - just black and accomodating of a ribbon around the waist.
I'm happy about this. But sad for my sister who obviously just wants the whole thing sorted already.

And speaking of dresses. Dressaday "A dress. Mostly every day", has a lovely wee post on 10 reasons skirts are better than pants. In case anyone needs a reason to wear a skirt on the weekend.

In/external forces.

2008-09-10T21:26:00.003+10:00

All the signs are pointing in that direction. Gah.
Sometimes PMT gets me all fluey and ill, and sometimes it sends me twitchy and a bit erratic.
I'm on an erratic swing at the moment. Feeling a bit lalalalalalalala!
Gotta try and stay on an even keel.

On another note, I had my annual performance appraisal today. Was a bit peaked out about it. But all went well. Boss-lady didn't talk about herself too much; and because we both have a fondness for conflict avoidance, we both seemed pleased to gloss over the tricky stuff.
Yay.
And now, back to my little bookish domain for another year.

In celebration of my first grey hairs.

2008-09-09T08:11:00.003+10:00

One of the things I love most dearly about our delightful queer scene is that it feels like a space that I can grow old in.
I don't feel that I have to leave the fun behind and disappear as I get older.
There are people decades older than me who are still welcomed on the dance floor, who still go out to events and (importantly) who still pick up. Grey hair is hot social currency. And skills aquired through years are valued - be these associated with event organising or BDSM or anything inbetween.
It's not a scene solely based around the celebration of youth. It's more of a scene based around the celebration of us.
Yay for us!

inside, outside, upside-down

2008-09-04T22:06:00.003+10:00

Lately I feel as I've been a little more engaged with life, and with my life. I am feeling the luxury of a little perspective, and have not been quite so amazingly ground down by anxiety.
It's still there as a constant low hum. But like someone with tinitus, I think I'm getting used to it, and even starting to get on with my life despite it. Ignoring it where I can, and fighting it when I have the strength.
I've been lucky enough to be feeling a fair bit of delight in my life lately. Things are in a good place, and the warming of the weather is also starting to help my mood.
There's recently been a great deal of remembering of my life when I was younger.
Remembering who I was and how I viewed the world, and where I wanted to be, and the choices I made. I am such a different person now. But I do miss the younger me as well.
After the last 6-12 months of feeling like I'm keeping my head just above water mentally and emotionally, I'm now starting to feel a sense of gain, a sense of movement upwards and forwards. Things are falling into place more often. Hard work is being rewarded. The universe is granting me some gifts.
*smiles*

kink and comfort

2008-08-31T09:56:00.002+10:00

A delightful tea party was had. And while I didn't go near quite the level of filth I had casually intended (sorry folks to whom I had promised things) - I still had a deliciously dirty time.

My small headache this morning is probably not from overloading myself with bloodletting fun for a change; as from the 2 glasses of champagne - oh and in such wonderful glasses that I had to put on my white buttoned gloves to hold them!

Everyone had dressed up so lovely, tulle and fascinators, stockings, gloves, and pearls. The bois in leather pants, vests and ties. So wonderful on the eyes.

The space was probably one of the best play spaces I have ever played in. Actually, I think it was the best. Though of course, I had expected that, as I was already terribly excited about the venue. (Oh those red velvet curtains! Oh those bare brick walls! Oh those dark dirty toilets! Oh the grubby rough concrete floor! )

Starting with a 50's suitcase full of china cups and sugar cubes and embroidered hankies for mopping up spills, Misses J and A were delightful tea-party companions. They were also so helpful in setting the table and cleaning up the bloody dishes after.

From there I enjoying watching all my gorgeous friends play. There was the delight of dark corners, short interludes, planned scenes, stolen moments, pats, giggling and longing glances. And then the joy of a body tied backwards, and a stomach exposed for my delight. I am such a very lucky miss sometimes!

Coming home at 3am I was in such high spirits that Mr M had to tell me off for singing Geordie drinking songs in the streets.

And now, on a perfect cool rainy hangover day I am sitting in my pyjamas, patting the dog and drinking tea again. The suitcase is unpacked, the ropes lie strewn on the couch, and the teacups sit on the sink waiting to be washed.
All pink, green, blue, and translucent white; they are winking last nights secrets to me in the soft morning light.

Week's over...

2008-08-29T18:31:00.003+10:00

...time for the weekend.

I think this week is one that I'll just trust to the memory banks (dodgy as they are) instead of committing to a blog.

Mostly.

Though it's worth mentioning that I've had some good (tentative) news regarding work. I may soon have a dream team in children's services, instead of current ineffectual colleague. And this makes me very, very happy indeed.

Now to tuck myself up with soup and blankies and hope that these niggling cold symptoms vanish into the night.

It all turned out okay.

2008-08-24T20:20:00.004+10:00

Today was just what I needed to get me kickstarted into the week.
It's all warm and toasty inside this head of mine from all this sunshine today. ...amongst other things.

Walked up King St with my Da, who was surprisingly in Sydney.
Headed to the park with a thermos full of tea.
Ms' R and B brought their clippers to the park, and Miss A (ably assisted by Miss S) got to work repairing my dodgy homemade haircut.
Zen-dog had much fun, running around with other pups, and scamming pats and attention from people.
Home at sunset to find Mr M in a backyard, happily surrounded by powertools, building furniture.
And am now in jarmies on the couch with the heater on, surrounded by sleeping boy and dog.
What a lovely day.

*sighs with delight*

It's like a lovesong dedication...

2008-08-23T20:28:00.004+10:00

...and I send this one out to G-doll.

Today, amongst a number of interesting adventures involving teacups, in-laws, sample bags, and a crying child hiding in a carboot...
...I took these photos:

Yup. It wasn't the weirdest day ever.
'Twas mostly quite lovely.
But also a little, well, odd.

two by two

2008-08-17T08:40:00.003+10:00

Two things that have irritated me to the point of screaming this week:
- Sticky tape that comes off the dispenser and then wraps tightly around my finger. Sticking to itself and me and soooo hard to get off. Aaargh.
- Pink tampon strings. I hate pink at the best of times. But grumpy and sick with my periods I'm confronted with fucking pink strings. Why? Tampons aren't fashion items. Who decided? Who changed the assembly line in the factory and ordered the pink dye? "Oh you're sore and cranky and bleeding profusely, but hey! Look at this cute pink string. Isn't it sweet. Isn't it great to be a girl!"
Aaaargh. Fuck off!

*breathes deep*

Okay. Happy thoughts.
Things that have delighted me this week:
- Our new little vegie patch. Made from an assortment of large pots and scavenged polystyrene boxes painted purple. We have them up on table so the dog doesn't munch on them and they get more sun. We have carrots, spinach, shallots, garlice, lettuce, thyme, mint, and beetroots. Yay for beetroots!
- Stitches. I've had a lump removed from my forehead and have 6 stiches. They look so cool and soon I'll have a nice scar. And I can be a pirate librarian. Last night I greatly enjoyed dressing up like a broken doll. Stiches, diamontes and tulle.

Okay. That's enough now. Going on a coffee hunt.
xx

Sickly sweet and insidious.

2008-08-11T20:40:00.003+10:00

Thank christ someone's spelt it out.
In simple language that some clueless parents might understand.

Get moving.

2008-08-09T11:15:00.003+10:00

I realised it's been a while since I've gone out for a trashy big night of dancing.

Weekends have passed with me doing many thoroughly wholesome social activities. Going to galleries, talks, sunshiny picnics in parks, visiting people in houses, gardening, going out for dinner, and of course, staying home on the couch and crocheting.
But now the dancefloor is calling.
I can hear the thumping.
It's time to forget the chill winter night air and put on my boots and head out late at night to that 'other ghetto'. 3 decent venues are calling, populated by many favourite beautiful people.

It's also a good idea to dance off all my work worries.
I've been getting so many things done at work lately. Projects completed and events organised, and I've even done the hard yards with a 'problem colleague'.
The sense of job satisfaction is high. But the mountain of stuff still to do, is higher. Stamina is called for here.
And I'm thinking a good dance will certainly help shake off any tension stored in my body.
Yar!

Ravelympics!

2008-08-02T09:54:00.005+10:00

Omigod. I think this might be like NaNoWriMo for knitters and crocheters!

Organised through Ravelry (obviously). This might be the kick up the bum I need to crochet something bigger than another goddamn scarf - even though I still have so much fun making them.

Perhaps those shrug, or jumper patterns I've been looking at for months.

From the Ravelry site:

Concept:

You must cast on a project during the Opening Ceremonies of the Summer Olympics (Aug. 8)- and finish before the Olympic flame goes out (Aug. 24).

That’s 17 days.

Would you rather work on your burgeoning WIPs? Then join up for the WIPs Wrestling. All other events are for newly cast on projects!

Rules:
- The project must be a challenge for you to complete in 17 days.
- No casting on before Opening Ceremonies commence in Beijing.
- Finish before the flame goes out.
- You may swatch before the games. (I consider this “training.”)

Righto.

I think it's too late for me to sign up to a 'team'. But that's okay. I can be a lone entrant.

Lucky for me Mr M bought me a new case to keep my crochet hooks in. I might even be able to be a tad organised through this.

Sweet.

2008-07-30T20:58:00.004+10:00

Tomorrow at work we are all chipping in to make an Indian feast. A colleague did a Mexican feast a couple of weeks ago and it was marvellous. We've got a full kitchen setup, so we might as well. And it's a good idea for the workplace morale.
I grew up with my Da making some of the most wonderful Indian food. Spices clunked together in the mortar and pestle. Curries cooking in the cast iron pan. And especially, the big pot of gulab jamun with the sugar syrup bubbling on the stove in the summer heat.
But I've copped out on making any food from scratch this time. Instead I have a bright shiny box of Indian sweets sitting on my kitchen table waiting for the trip to work tomorrow.
And now I can hear the sugar calling to me.
I will not eat them.
I will not!

Just not near me okay!

2008-07-29T15:59:00.001+10:00

I can be a pretty hardcore pacifist at times.
Is pacifist the right word?
I refuse to wear skulls or pictures of guns (now matter how heart-breakingly gorgeous the dress is).
I don't watch scary movies. And avoid traumatic ones. I don't need to invite any more bad feelings into my life. I don't need to increase the gross sum of negativity in my life.
Why would anyone?
If there's the promise of trouble or violence I move away. Sometimes still near in case of help needed. Sometimes taking others with me as I move away.
But I don't like sticking around.

Tomorrow there is an event on at my work.
I'm rostered on to do the meet and greet with the author, and crowd control.
But the event has now been mentioned in the newspapers and on the radio. And the more people talk about security and police guards and death threats, the more I arc away.

More staff are now needed to help out with crowd control. The phone's been ringing off the hook at work with people enquiring about it. Callers asking if there'll be bag checks at the door and trying to tell me about how they worked with the family.
I don’t want to hear it.

I'm now doing crowd control at the entry door.
I don't want to be near this crowd of people slavering at the mouth over salacious details of crimes and corruption. Punters getting hard at the thought of being near such infamy and notoriety.

I'm now directing people on another floor.
I don't want to be forced to stay and listen to some halfwit cashing in on a relatives rotten deeds. And the gasping audience being entertained, all agape and excitingly horrified at it all.

I'd rather go cataloguing.

And that's saying a lot!

Don't let me entertain you.

2008-07-24T10:18:00.004+10:00

In Schedule 3A to the Regulations there are 13 requirements that apply to Places
of Public Entertainment. These matters are addressed as follows:

Dangerous entertainment.
Entertainment to be provided will not involve:
• The use of a sharp implement in a manner that poses a threat of harm to
patrons or members of the audience…

Here's hoping the DA doesn't go through before MFTP. Otherwise that's me out.
*grins*

Having said that, I've started drafting up a letter to the council in support of The Red Rattler DA. Wanna do the same? Go here. DA200800322.
Having read it all, I am gobsmacked at the work, time, money and care that the RR collective appear to be putting into this venture. Our world will be a more wonderful place to inhabit thanks to their work.

In other news. I'm feeling a tad better at the moment purely because the amount of work - both of the neccessary, and of the wanted kinds - that has been demanding my attention. Being forced to do many things means that I am actually getting some work done, and hence deriving some sense of job satisfaction from it all. All good for my head.

Thinking positive

2008-07-22T10:03:00.003+10:00

Another bloody list of things that please me:

Cuddles that warm me on cold winters days and nights.
Taking that little bit longer with weekend showers, and having a big dry scratchy towel waiting for when I get out.
Chocolate (especially chocolate hidden at my desk at work).
New balls of wool.
Getting something right at work.
Shoes that clack down the street.
Daydreaming.

Orright, best go do some work now, and see if I can get some things right today.
Hi ho.

Not drug fucked

2008-07-21T18:55:00.002+10:00

I can be so conservative sometimes. Well... conservative mightn't be the best description. Maybe 'fuddy-duddy' is a better turn of phrase.
But I just really don't like drugs that much.
I really don't.

Sure, some of them can be fun at times, in small amounts, and in certain settings.
But just don't understand people taking what I consider to be big-dance-party-drugs in the more domestic settings. I often marvel aloud at why someone has half an e on a Wednesday night at the Slox.

Any flirting, dancing, conversation, and shenanigans that may seem to be on the cards between me and another, are rapidly shelved whenever the other person is off their chops.
If I don't really know that person, or if they have other friends around them, I tend to wander away.
If they haven't anyone else around I will stay with them and just be still and wait. Wait for them to settle. Wait for the moment to pass.

Is it because I'm a worrier?
Or a caring Mama?
Or just a controlling pain in the ass?
If you're out and totally munted I'm more likely to try and get you to sit down, chill out, and make sure you get home safe; than join you in your world, partying up a storm for the rest of the night.

I try to not state this position too emphatically to people. I'm sure no-one wants to hear me rant about this.
And I don't think less of the people who do take drugs like this. Not one bit.
However what I do find puzzling is this reaction of mine to their drug-affected state.

Ouch.

2008-07-18T19:49:00.003+10:00

Been working hard on leveling my head. Getting a bit better as the week progressed. Ended my work day with a gushing phone call from a carer on how wonderful the holiday programmes I ran were. Walked out of work on a marvellous high. And then a tree branch promptly fell on my head.
Ouch.
Now my head really is sore.

My list of things that have delighted me lately:
- Sweet texts and emails from gorgeous people.
- Daydreaming about Kooky costumes and shenanigans
- Laughing at kids upstaging a professional performer at the library
- Cosy morning hugs from Mr M
- Getting a seat on the morning train.
- Successfully cooking sesame teriyaki salmon for dins
yummo

2008-07-15T18:22:00.004+10:00

What's happening? I need to go back to the head doc. I need more exercise. I need to take my vitamins. I need more support at work.
My head is shaky. I can't focus my attention on anything for more than a minute or two. I'm feeling fits of red rage all day. Punching walls at work when I think no-one's watching. Slamming doors. And then trying to take deep breaths to calm down enough to speak. I've even been short with library patrons, and that's almost unheard of for me.
I've been trying to fill some time with things that cheer me. And have been lucky enough to share space with lovely people who have been generous enough of their time to stop and listen to me.
But bugger me this is difficult. So difficult.

So here's a list of things that make me happy. That's gotta help, right.
- The way my puppy rubs her head on the carpet while doing a mumble-growl.
- Feeling the love from Mr M.
- Talking about bloodletting.
- Girls with cow licks.
- New full-skirted frocks.
-
aah.fuckit that's it. will try and think of more another time. maybe. *sighs*

Sore, sore head.

2008-07-13T17:17:00.003+10:00

How many of you feel like you're teetering on the edge this weekend?
It seems to me that there's quite a few of us that are feeling pretty fucking rotten. Why?
Friends are around. Events are on. Hell, there was even some sunshine yesterday.

I think it's the continuous grind of cold day after cold day. Winter slowly wearing us down.

I've wrestled with domestic duties today. Through a headache that's hung around since late last night and through many shiny painkilling tablets.
Food shopping and clothes washing and vacuuming and mopping.
I am lucky my impulse control still works to a certain degree, or that vacuum would've been hurled through a window.
Man and dog are off on a long evening walk and I am trying to simmer down. I hate cooking dinner in a bad mood. It feels like it will poison the food. A side-effect of too much witchy-poo stuff when younger I s'pose.

I let my head win on Friday night and stayed home when I should've gone out and been fabulous.
And then my bad head lorded it over me all day Saturday.
Mr M was marvellous and dragged me out into the sunshine. Roaming from open house to reverse garbage to cafes and shops. All the while I was trying to stop hyperventilating and crying. Nasty. But by the afternoon it had worked. We had the upper hand and my head went back to behaving.

Took Zen-dog to the Jets game. Met Ms M, Mr Z, Ms & Miss J, and Mr J there. Had beer and a steak sandwich. Zen-dog got 2 sausages. I brought along cupcakes and wore my new blue and white party frock. And the Jets won.
Brilliant.

The frock then stayed on through the Red Rattler event-thing and later dancing at Dirty. Though I ran away from the Phoenix in the wee hours of the morning when the crowd started to grow as fast as my headache.

Hmm. I'd've like to run away today as well. Oh, how wonderful would it would've been to reprise yesterdays sunshiny day. Maybe find a park to fall asleep in. But life duties, and the weather, has conspired against me.

Blast it.

2008-07-11T21:17:00.004+10:00

Fabulous new frock. Great outfit idea. Promising night out.
Can't get my bloody head together to leave the house.
Bugger.
Best I can hope for is better luck tomorrow night.

a trifle dull.

2008-07-07T14:42:00.002+10:00

Did your last kiss mean anything? Yup. Pure, heartfelt affection.
How old is the last person you kissed? 40 (when he's not 4, or 14 hehe)
Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? Possibly.
What woke you up this morning? Birds outside.
Your current relationship status? Engaged, and in a semi-open relationship, with a yummy lad.
What is your current mood? Relaxed and thoughtful.
What shirt are you wearing? Deep green wool top.
Are you crazy? Nah. Just some anxiety stuff. Nothing that can't be damped down by $$ spent on a head doc.
What was the highlight of your week? Having Mr M's company at a club, and delightful, relaxed Friday Clarence drinkies.
What are you listening to? Etta James.
How long is your hair? Between 1 to 15cms *shrugs*.
Last thing you ate? Cafe breaky cooked by eye-candy J, and with the delicious company of Miss G-doll.
Are you happy right now? Indeed.
Are you wearing make-up? Nup.
What were you doing at 11:30 last night? Waking up with a toothache.
What are you looking forward to in the next three months? More blood and dancing and sex please. Oh, and the onset of summer.
What did you do today? Cleaned the house, rumbled with the dog, went breakfasting and talking with Miss G-doll.
Do you like to smile? Uh huh.
What time do you usually wake up on the weekends? 7-ish.
What are you wearing? Black cotton shoes with embroidered dice, black pants, green top, black cotton knickers, purple and black bra, wristie and silver bangle, 3 rings.
If you could live somewhere else, where would it be? Hmmm. If I were to jump stream I could have fun being a kooky lady in the hills behind Uki for a bit.
Do you like your phone? It's certainly handy.
Do you ever keep arguing even when you know you’re wrong? Geez no. Sometimes I'll stop even when I know I'm right. Arguing isn't fun, and there's often another chance to set things straight instead of during the heat of the moment.
Last time you took a nap? I think I passed out for a moment yesterday. Oh sooo exhausted. But normally 'tis impossible.
Are you slowly drifting away from someone close? I'm sure that's always happening. It's not an awful thing, it's just the way social scenes move and change.
When was the last time you cried really hard? A couple of months ago (hey, that might be a record! That head doc is paying off!).
Who was the last person who texted you? Mr M.
What is your natural hair color? Mid-light brown, I think.
Can you play guitar hero? Nup.
Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Warm, without a doubt.
What do you currently smell like? I hope not too bad with my sore tooth? :-(
Last thing you bought? Breaky and coffee
Have you ever shared a drink with anyone? Indeed.
How much money do you have on you? $150 (mostly destined for doc and bills sadly)
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? Always! Though, define 'shouldn't'?
Do you burn easily in the sun? Pretty much.
Where did your last hug take place? An hour ago.
Where were you raised? Tweed Valley and thereabouts, mosty.

Tired of it all.

2008-07-06T18:29:00.005+10:00

I've never been much of a napper. I wake early and rarely can sleep in. Short of severe illness, blackout curtains, earplugs and an eye mask, I find it near impossible to stop the "sun's up, body's awake" response.

Today however, I am so exhausted. I nearly dozed off leaning against the washing line. *yawns*
That delirious bone-tired feeling that you feel after doing Mardi Gras (vollie wrangling, parade, party, drugs, recovery and more).
Maybe this is payback from being so freakishly, intolerably perky the day after Inqui?

Last night was pretty cool. After a 80's themed party for my baby straight-girl sisters' 30th birthday, Mr M and I did a costume change and headed uphill (in more ways than one) to Handlebar. Such good music to start with. And exciting to have him out for a wee while. I had a good dance, but later my energy levels dropped suddenly and I had to head home.

So why am I so knackered? I got about 4 hours sleep before the dog woke me. I only had 3 beers the whole night, so I don't reckon I could really be hungover. It feels like somehow a plug got pulled out, and all my energy has been drained out, out, out.

Aah, well. Faffing about on the internet won't help. I only think some vegies for dins, and an early night can help.
*yawns*

For one night, or another night*

2008-07-03T17:58:00.005+10:00

Yesterday I picked the first jasmine blooms in the neighbourhood.
Clear white stars blinking at me from a fence as I walked the dog.
To smell that smell again after so many months without, and on an icy cold winters evening, was quite bizarre.
And then I came home from work this eve, opened the door, and was again amazed by the scent dancing down the chilly terrace hallway at me.
First that day (and night) of warm breezes earlier this week, and now this!
It's getting harder and harder to continue to tell myself that summer is NOT just around the corner, that we have aaaages to go yet.

*James Elroy Flecker (thanks, mister. xx -Y)

After-party

2008-06-29T17:22:00.002+10:00

Amongst all of the glittering amazing personalities and characters in the scene I have always (90% of the time) quite happily seen myself as a sidekick. Of all the shining stars that are my friends, I am the stage hand.
I look at them being so talented, intelligent, hardworking, organised, strong, funny, gorgeous, and brave. And I love them so, so much for all of this. While dithering about being worried about silly trivial things in the background.

But this is not the point of my post.

What I have found over the years, is that I sometimes have days or nights when I feel like a shining star. When (tellingly) my anxiety falls away, and things fall into place.
When I walk away amazed at how I kept up with the conversation.
When I walk past a mirror and do a double-take at the strong sexy woman there.
When I wake up in the morning and think 'damn, did that really happen?'
And those times then twinkle away in my head, crystal clear, for years.

So, for all of the niggly things about last nights' warehouse play party that didn't sit quite steadily, I am more than inclined to heap enormous praise upon the organisers. 1) Because last night was a Shining Star night for me; and 2) Because they had the energy to stick out their necks and run that party.

It's so tempting to write a post waxing lyrical about specific things in a semi-salacious, journalistic way "and just as I was handed my drink, complete with strawberry and sparkler, this fellow wandered past with lines of coke on a silver tray. I would've had one if I wasn't distracted by the naked girl covered in whipped cream being placed on a podium in front of me"
But as it was I had a voddie pre-mix beveredge courtesy of Ms L and was only momentarily distraced by the gorgeous breasts of the sundae-girl while having a great in-depth conversation with someone.

The energy was pretty good. I expect that a bit more encouragement towards actual play could've gone down well. - In the form of a few more dark corners and a bit more equipment (where was there to tie or even lean someone to flog them?), - and in encouraging new folk to preplan a few activities with each other perhaps?
I do reserve judgement on this however, because I'm a two pot screamer who ran home to bed early and it may've picked up later.

I loved the level of lighting, I enjoyed some of the music, though it was perhaps a little too chilled most of the time. The smoke machine was good, as were the attentive bar staff. I even enjoyed watching the bio-boys do their hero mister-fixit routine when the power shorted (it needed an outdoor area for them to build a great big bonfire and hence get out of our way for the night I think *grins*). The shows were perfect for the space, people and vibe. The warehouse itself was wonderful.
And no-one at all got in my space or shit me.
That's pretty impressive.

Oh, and you'll have to ask me in person what I got up to. Needless to say I'm a teensy little bit sore and a very big bit daydreamy-squirmy today.
Yeay for Shining Star Parties!

A Thursday like this

2008-06-26T10:24:00.002+10:00

Wow. What was that?
Feel like I’ve taken a little knock to the head.
It's been a long time since I've had a Thursday morning like this.

The Slox was full of babies again. I was drinking full strength beers and bouncing from conversation to conversation. Talking scene dramas, and sex, and blood. Talking relationships, and DJs, and gossip. There were queues to get into the pub, and dramas at the pool table. There was flirting and snogging and hugs and kisses and pinches and touching and holding hands.
The only thing missing from a complete flashback was a dance to Sveta playing her Sweet Dreams remix. But that might’ve been because I ran away at midnight like some shy Cinderella.
Or sensible Cinderella perhaps.
Ducking and weaving obstacles, including the perilous state of my brain, I nearly made it out in one piece ...but for the last seconds before I got into the taxi. Ouch.

But now, in the cold clear light of morning, I look and see only dints, not cracks, in my armour. Nothing broken.
I’m feeling a tad fragile, and am taking it out on my colleagues (not undeservedly may I add). And I am terribly relieved that my morning preschool storytime phoned and cancelled.
Oooh, that could’ve been ugly.
Now ...I wonder if I have any panadol left?

Oh my head

2008-06-24T21:59:00.002+10:00

Back to work today.
It probably could've been more horrific than it was. In fact, it was suspiciously quiet at times.
Walked away with a headache.
But the day was made better by a teeny after-work beverage in honour of the 3+3x3 birthday of a friend.

Two big sensory impressions of the day -
1) Wow, corn tortillas make brilliant pizza bases!
We scoffed 2 each with (from the bottom up): tomato paste, shallots, corn, avocado, carrot, mushroom, sundried tomatos, mozarella. So yum.
We made more to take for lunch for work tomorrow.

2) Erk, the great unwashed and over-pickled on the train to work this morning. It was a headspinning cocktail of bad breath, perfume, over-ripe fruit, cough lollies, old boots and smelly woollen jumpers. Headphones can keep the winter snuffle chorus at bay; but there's nothing to keep the smells away. Though there was one bloke who was so pickled in after-shave I doubt he could smell anything else.

Hmmm. More work tomorrow eh. Bugger.
Best get to bed now.

Not quite a dogs dinner.

2008-06-23T18:58:00.003+10:00

Came home from lovely day today catching up with beautiful people over warm drinks.
Took out the bins. Walked dog. Fed dog.

Now, yesterday Mr M lovingly had cooked up some meat and vegie offcuts and mixed it with some extra rice for Zen-dogs dins.
I found this mixture in the fridge and fed her. She scoffed it down, but later looked a big upset, and hid up the back of the yard. She normally does this if she's not feeling so well.

She didn't want to come inside. It's too cold to leave the door open for her, so after a few pats to check she wasn't too ill, I went in to look for my own dins. Leftovers from the stew and rice the other day.

Yup. You guessed it. I'd fed my rich people-food to the pup. No wonder she wasn't feeling perky.
As nice as her custom-made dins is, I declined a direct swap and made myself some avocado on toast instead :-)

Familiar ground.

2008-06-22T07:59:00.003+10:00

Back at home. Sitting at the computer with a farting dog leaning up against me whinging at me to pat more pat more pat more.
Such a wonderful holiday away, but yesterday was a terrific thud back to earth. Ouch.
Off to the doc this morning hopefully. Sort out a wee holiday injury. Phone work and check when they're expecting me back. Wash clothes, clean, and other sundry chores.
Shall write up some holiday adventures and post some photos sometime soon.
Hmmm.

breathing out

2008-06-16T15:36:00.001+10:00

a short happy dry warm post from tropical climes
happy and relaxed
it's been a while
*sighs*

Calenduler

2008-06-13T11:10:00.002+10:00

Need some oitment for my head.
The little calender in my brain is so wonky. It feels like something from Alice in Wonderland in my head some days.
Seeing dates for events on Facebook and thinking "but didn't I do that/go there last weekend?"
No, Miss Y, you obviously didn't.
*sighs*
So I have now triple checked my flights and accomodation for next week.
Flying out Sunday - which means you will see me on a dancefloor near you on Saturday night.
Now...to spend the day cleaning the house in prep for Miss Kitty and Miss B to come house sit.

Warm fuzzies.

2008-06-10T18:19:00.004+10:00

This afternoon Miss A and myself sat on a park bench in the winter sunshine and crocheted. She was an angel, bringing sweet chai tea and mini baked goods, and dispensing with sage advice for my mangled attempt at crocheting a hat.

There were a few brief moments of warmth that found me bare-legged and without coverings on my arms. *egads*. I wore my newest purchase of a floral 50's style frock (including petticoat to make it puff up just so), and it felt like we could pretend "that it was 8pm on a summer's eve, not 4pm in winter" as Miss A put it.

We watched puppies bark and play, a steady procession of lesbian mums, children on bikes, children stripping off clothes and running, laughing and nekkid. We saw happy dogs howling, aquaintances to say hello to, and handsome butches we'd agreed we'd like to follow home.

I'm feeling pretty relaxed now.
It's like I've stepped aside politely and let come-down Tuesday barge past me without a scrape.
Sweet.

Oh yeah.

2008-06-09T19:39:00.002+10:00

After the party comes the domesticity.
Washing clothes, food shopping, cooking, walking the dog, and then watching tv with crochet in hand.
But what a lovely couple of nights...

...without a fabulous Inquy outfit I went with the safe fall-back dress, and as a result I was comfy and happy and had much mischievious fun. Yeay for all the gorgeous sexy people I got to hang out with!
And may I say: yeay for the totally not in-your-face security and cops. As opposed to other years where they've seemed to get tougher and tougher on any public displays of affection, and watch you suspiciously everytime you go to the toilet - This year they all faded into the background as I enjoyed my night. Fantastic.

Last night at Gurlesque was a delight, naturally, though I had a wee moment where my bouncy mood was getting a bit introspective, so I self-medicated my way out of it and on into the night!
Phoenix dancing was fun of course, running into old and new friends, having an in-memorium boogy, dodging many many spilt drinks and pushy people walking through. But in the end an early bedtime was a great thing for my wonky ankle. And I'm surprised at how well I behaved, and how well I scrubbed up today.

Now to the serious business of holidays. Long long walks with the dog. Organising things in the house. Catching up with family and friends. And then packing to fly away to warmer climes. *squeee*

post-Inqui

2008-06-08T11:43:00.001+10:00

Well bugger me, wasn't that fun!
Let's do it all again!

Gurlesque you say?
Phoenix?

Indeed.
*claps hands*

Bouncing time!

2008-06-06T20:49:00.003+10:00

lalalalalalalalala!
Holilililililidays!

And Inquisition = double happy Miss Y!

Could I be any bouncing-off-the-walls-happy?
Maybe not ...but I do have a long overdue haircut appointment in the morning *yeay*
Now if I could only find something totally fabulous to wear to Inqui I could be even happier again.

I know... I didn't think it possible either.

Oh, and did I mention the booking I've made for a week in a 5 star hotel in tropical queensland.
Could it get any better?
*nods sagely* Yes. I believe it can.
I can think of many fine things to do with all this free time.
*evil grin*

Nearly there.

2008-06-06T09:28:00.003+10:00

Yaaaaaaaarrrrr! Holidays in mere hours!
Procrastinating from towering mountains of work by blogging.
Bad Miss Y *grins*

So... I'm not much of a song lyric poster. I find it all so over dramatic and cryptic at the best of times. "oooh, who are they referring to?"
Blargh.

But I shall break that today 'cos I had an Amy Winehouse soundtrack to my travels to work this morning. Perfect for a cold, wet, grey morning in the city.

I especially enjoyed 'Tears Dry on their Own' today.
And this one:

Just Friends

When will we get the time to be just friends
It's never safe for us not even in the evening
'Cos I've been drinking
Not in the morning where your shit works
It's always dangerous when everybody's sleeping
And I've been thinking
Can we be alone?
Can we be alone?

When will we get the time to be just friends
When will we get the time to be just friends
And no I'm not ashamed but the guilt will kill you
If she don't first
I'll never love you like her
Though we need to find the time
To just do this shit together
For it gets worse
I wanna touch you
But that just hurts

When will we get the time to be just just friends
When will we get the time to be just friends, just friends
When will we get the time to be just friends, just friends
When will we get the time to be just friends, just friends
Just friends

Oh, and no, this isn't a love song dedication okay.
*sighs*
Back to work now.

It's the calm before the storm.

2008-06-04T07:53:00.003+10:00

It's a big night at work.
I always head in early on this day - but working until 9pm at a hectic pace for the last 4 hours of that, means I am totally knackered by the end of it all. So I'm still at home, in my jarmies, dog at my feet, trying to not to go into work so soon.
This year I am wonderfully more organised than ever before. Only have to chase up 1 sponsor and the media and organise a display for tonight, and other such fiddly things.
Have made it through wrangling of hundreds of entries, writing of speeches, talking to judges and sponsors and parents and schools and the young writers themselves. Have done mailouts and certificates and advertising and prizes and thankyou presents and catering and all my other library work besides.
This is the first big thing I've organised in some time, and it's nice to know that I still can, without always falling in a heap.

In other news, I made gluten-free mini cheesecakes last weekend. The first time I've made cheesecake. They turned out alright. Especially considering I'd replaced some of the cheese with banana, and all of the sugar with maple syrup. Yummo.
And I'm on holidays for 2 weeks from this weekend. So much more free baking time!
We're thinking of heading north for a week as well. Far north. For a real holiday. Any suggestions on where to go or what to do folks?

Careful does it.

2008-06-02T21:33:00.004+10:00

Gotta watch my self-care. Am getting close to the highstrung, overtired, teary stage.
Still; previous years have seen me at this stage much sooner. Am doing very well this year, and am glad the whole event at work is on track so far.
I'm pleased to report that Operation Sane Grey is also still on track. Though I very nearly fell apart this evening. I was determined not to do that to myself though, and managed to hold myself together and walk away. Bloody close call though.
It's a good thing that Inqui will surely be full of enough entertainment to keep me suitably distracted.
Now to get this ankle all properly healed before I hit that dark and dirty dancefloor.

Still going.

2008-05-30T19:50:00.004+10:00

*moop* Still a little too under the weather to go out tonight.
Trying to be a sensible girl is wreaking havoc with my social life. Oh why does LPW always clash with YWA.
I was looking forward, tonight, to wearing old leathers to a new bar and breaking in a new space with the girls. Instead I will at least spend some time tonight (between eating healthy dins, wearing warm flannies, and taking my vitamins) brainstorming something to wear to Inqui.
Tomorrow is domestic bliss. And Sunday...is, well, more domestic bliss ...with added non-bio family dins in the eve.
It's the quiet life for Miss Y for the time being.
For now.
*evil grins*

Hmmm.

2008-05-29T10:05:00.002+10:00

Inqui is fast approaching.
What on earth am I going to wear.
No time to make anything. Probably not even time to buy anything.
All my energy is going into getting through busiest work week of the year and trying to stay physically and mentally healthy until Inqui.
Staying warm. Shorter social engagements. Sleeping lots. Eating well. The occasional beer (but that's part of my mental health plan I promise *grins*).
I will make to the Inqui dancefloor.
I will find a dress to wear to the ball.
I will.
*stamps pretty princess shoe*

Wedding red.

2008-05-26T15:30:00.003+10:00

Stuck at home with a twisted ankle. Vaccillating between boooored, and upbeat & working hard.
Received delivery of more lovely at-home-on-a-weekday treats of the Livingstone kind.
Chlorhexidine 'tinted pink', and 'evacuated blood collection tubes'.
oooh, yummo.
Now if only the sutures will arrive before the day is out. Been waiting weeks for them. *sighs*

Did some work from home. Tried to coordinate work colleagues from home with limited success. Shall be trying to limp in tomorrow. The less-walking route to work involves more transport changes and takes longer, but hey, I'm gonna be a R.I.C.E queen for a couple more days so am not attempting the hill up to the library in the morning.

Thank you to all folks who've wishes Mr M and I the best re: the engagement-thingy. It's so sweet how everyone gets excited about it.
Next hurdle is telling work. Midweek I think. I have to prepare answers for all the excitable middle-aged, middle-class women and their inevitable questions.
When is the wedding?
What will you wear?
Should I tell them we'd like a spring wedding? ...Or that it'll only happen when it's legal 'cos we're second class citizens?
Shall I tell them I'm deciding on an ivory dress over a white one? ...Or tell them it'll be a rockabilly wedding with all the guests in drag?
Shall I play nice? Or go Raaarr!
It's an interesting thing to think about. I shy away from the overtly political stuff these days. But I am also deeply conscious that by just living our lives in the way that we choose; we are being political. We don't strive to make our lives a statement, but our choices, decisions and tastes make them for us.

Oh hey! Now here's a thought!
I wonder if Livingstone does wedding gift registeries?
*shivers with glee*

Institutionalise me!

2008-05-22T09:49:00.004+10:00

To an ex who said I wasn't wife material, I say Ha!
Apparently I am.

Of what quality I am unsure, but Mr M seems to fancy me enough to think that he'd like to hang 'round with me for an unfathomably long length of time.

So yes, dear friends, he proposed last weekend and I said yes.

I shall probably joke about it a lot and be dismissive of the whole thing. But don't take this for me being unsure or anything. This is just me trying to make sense of an idea that I've never really thought of before in my life.

He is my dearest love and I adore him.
And legalities be damned; I think to stand up together and tell everyone about our love is a bloody marvellous reason to have a party.

What's that?

2008-05-19T20:23:00.000+10:00

What's that?
...you say you hear a cracking sound?
Like eggshell against porcelain, or glass being ground underfoot, or a tail-light being touchparked.
Like the peeling open of stiff plastic packaging, or a bike wheel over seedpods?
Nope. Tonights secret sound is actually the sound of Miss Y's brain breaking.

You know, I like being pushed forward. I like some challenges now and then. And I hate being bored.
But sometimes, when I have only the barest of gossamer of framework for things, it can be very difficult to contain it in any possible way in my brain/actions/day/life.

I might have some big news.
But I need some times to let it take shape and settle in my head first.

*twitches*

quiet happy squeaks

2008-05-18T13:40:00.004+10:00

Had a very good night and a lovely sunny morning.
Feeling pretty good indeed.
But, shhh, I'm just going to spend the day doing some work, and just wait and see what the future holds.
Just going to go about my business quietly, trying hard to not self sabotage.
(And maybe skip and sing at times).

*meep*

Can you feel it coming.

2008-05-17T08:53:00.004+10:00

There's so much on at the moment. Grand projects coming to fruition, small plans growing, consolidation of collaborations started a short while ago.
There's a sense of energy building up.
Sometimes I get carried away in the excitment of it all...energised by the possibilities.
And other times it bears down on me...the weight of expectations and the sheer volume of work.

But today, my focus point is not the big picture but the small matter of an icy cold front coming through.
This morning is sunny and wonderful, padding around in our pyjamas, hanging out the washing in the backyard, the dog lying in a patch of light under the camelia trees.
And tomorrow will likely be colder and darker and wetter.
I can snuggle in my new purple fluffy thing bought by my lover-boy and drink warm drinks.
I can enjoy the cold. I know I can. But I'm grasping onto this shining morning and bracing myself for this approaching winter.

It's trying.

2008-05-14T09:52:00.003+10:00

Trying hard to stay determined to get through the next month. So much on. So much to do.
Trying hard to organise everything at work so it doesn't fall in a heap on top of me.
It's taking lots of energy today. Energy that I don't seem to have at the moment.
Each thing I try and get out of the way seems to create space for sooo many more other tasks and projects to rush in. Like some uber-vacuum.
Here's hoping tomorrow is better.
Here's hoping everything goes to plan.
Meanwhile...one step in front of the other...one keystroke ahead of another...tick one thing off the list before tackling the others...

I really could do with a nap.

Energy needed.

2008-05-13T20:52:00.003+10:00

Such a long long busy busy day at work today. Home very late to a wonderful beef and lentil stew with brown rice cooked by my darlin' boy. Just what I need.
I'm feeling so tired and drained.

Feeling the weight of many expectations and plans starting to build up. It's going to take a lot of hard work to get through the next month in one piece.
I am determined though.

Oh. And I'm looking for an illustrator. Preferably with a hand for realistic (old school or twee) people. I have a cheeky project I really need to see through soon if possible.

Now that I think of it. There's not many projects I think up that aren't cheeky really.
It's tough inside this ol' head of mine sometimes. *grins*

Mama's Day

2008-05-12T09:27:00.002+10:00

Yep. A perfect Mama's Day.
An early night beforehand.
A walk in the morning sunshine with the pup to the shops to get baking supplies.
A sleepy boy in his pyjamas.
A card and a box of chocolates.
Decorating cupcakes for the mother in-law with red sugar sprinkles.
Phoning the other 2 mothers.
Pack the boy and dog off to his folks for lunch.
Run around the house playing dressups to loud music.
Boy with a quiff knocks on the door and with the ultimate yummy mummy we all travel down to Bad Dog.
Beers in the last of the day's sunshine with all my fabulous, and fabulously dressed, friends.
Great conversations, dancing, flirting, laughing, posing.
Sitting on laps, whispering secrets, talking dirty, making plans.
Dancing contained and dancing loud.
Then into the night for a gossipy cab ride to another venue. More dancing. But slimmer pickings and not as blowsy and awesome. Jacket and tiara back on and home I travel.

Completely exhausted this morning. But so very happy.
Last night I dreamt of mint green hankies and picture books.
*sighs*

Come on. I'll have ya!

2008-05-07T21:09:00.003+10:00

Traditionally this week is one of the more stressful weeks of my working year.
I usually am in a total tizz, and more than a bit strung out.

Strangely - or wonderfully - I've been okay this year. And this makes me really happy.
And it's not for want of the universe throwing curve balls at me. Big mother curve balls!
But I think it's running out of ammo. All today held was an agro patron, a workmates hissy-fit-meltdown, and a couple of square metres of baby vomit. Who knew that such a small thing could hold so much volume. And all over the books too. What a stinky clean-up. Eeeew.
At least in my next performance review I can surely say I've fulfilled "other duties as required".

In more frivolous news, I have plans for a Bad Dog costume.
Sure most of my costume plans don't come to fruition. But just maybe I'll have time to sort this one.

Oh, and I think Mr M and I might actually go on a real holiday sometimes soon!
*fingers crossed*

winter warmer worries

2008-05-06T20:56:00.003+10:00

So. Let's get this straight.
I can crochet.
I can do fancy stitches, go in many directions, make shapes, follow patterns. You get the drift.
But I have spent the last three weeks going mental trying to crochet a goddamn egg cozy.
It shouldn't be that hard.
I'm obviously blocked on something.
Terribly annoying.
But hey, if that's the worst I have to worry about*, then I'm doing okay.

*it's not, but I'm moving through the other stuff at a good pace, so it'll be okay.

Everyone should have a good cuppa tea.

2008-05-05T20:55:00.004+10:00

Today in the Library I had to deal with a mother having a complete meltdown. She was hurting so much, and was sadly aiming it at another mother.
So much pain and yelling and crying and shaking and stress.
At least her baby was alright. And the other mother was okay as well.

But later I was surprised at how much it had affected me. My adrenal response was over the top and it took quite a while, and some later tears of my own, before I shakily regained a little equilibrium.

But then I decided to run away from work even earlier than planned and caught up with the delicious Miss A for a cup of tea in the sunshine, and then a spot of crocheting.

Simply delightful, and it totally worked.
It's the small things sometimes.

scattered.

2008-05-04T11:39:00.002+10:00

The house smells of metho this morning as Mr M cleans furiously.

I had a great dance last night.

I really could do with more sleep.

My head is ticking furiously over possible negotiations for next weekend.

I'm missing a judge for my young writers award at work.

Careless of me, I know.

It's going to be an interesting week.

Fun in the Library.

2008-04-29T20:51:00.004+10:00

Oh how wonderful!
We had a possum in the library today.
A bit fat healthy fluffy one.
In the middle of a tense meeting there was a thump and a bump and a scuffling rush.
All the librarians stand to attention in suprise and stare at the bright-eyed face poking around the side of the whiteboard.
We closed the door to stop it getting lost, and made a phone call, and then continued with the meeting. Albiet in more measured tones so as not to startle it too much.
And with only occasional veers in topic to the eavesdropping animal.
The good news is that it was later easily caught and removed back outside.
We've seen this possum many times before around the building (including sleeping in the palm trees with it's baby, aaaw). But this was it's first visit inside.

Also today we had a great couple of hours playing Wii with the after school kids.
I had a sheet they could write their names on to take turns "you know, like when you put your name down the play pool...oh...wups".
Of course, the one parent who is guaranteed to write a complaint letter came in during this time. She even tut tuts about the computers in the library. *shrugs*
So I went into damage control when talking to her. Pointing out it was a treat for the kids. We've no regular times for bringing it out to play on. And we won it, so it wasn't bought with anyones rates $.

In other news; I'm finding it somewhat difficult to crochet an egg cosy.
It shouldn't be that hard. But it's driving me nuts!
That is all.

Collapsible.

2008-04-28T20:43:00.004+10:00

How bloody pleased am I that we had a couple of sunny warm days this weekend.

After being cooped up in the house in the cold with the rain outside, Zen-dog and myself were so damn pleased to get out! Sitting on the lush grass. Sun on my cheeks to wake up my freckles.

Saturday found me at the footy with friends. The perfect farewell to Mr Z.

(Sucked in boy, I took a photo and posted it. Whatcha gonna do. Moved too far away to hit me *blows raspberry*).

And then a few beers at the Townie afterwards.

Sunday found me in a gaggle of other gorgeous queers in a different park. Dogs and beer and dips and cupcakes and crochet and 'lesbian sexual fiction' ...which inspired a fantastic song which certainly puts the cunt back into country.

*note to self; must type it out soon*

Even though last week was a forced and awful break from work, I was surprisingly cheerful when I went back today. Amazing what a bit of a break and a bit of time outdoors can do.

Here's hoping my head stays good for a while now.

My life in beverages.

2008-04-26T12:00:00.004+10:00

Water:
Yeay, my tummy stopped rejecting things a few days ago now. So I'm drinking much water to get back to normal. Though did have a little bit of rich food yesterday, which was silly. Probably should've kept it simple. Had crazy dreams as a result I think. Last nights big dream was so confusing & tiring & loud & crowded & exhausting. *phew*. Just like last night at the pub really.

Lemon Squash:
The Sly was kinda fun. So many people to say hi to. I did fell a bit giddy with it all, after a week alone at home. Though perhaps the lemon squash contributed to the giddiness. I don't usually drink fizzy drinks.
All a bit of a head spin really.

Coffee:
On the way home we stopped for a bite to eat with a friend that'd been up and drinking for 24hours prior. Needless to say she also had a coffee to keep her going. Afterwards we wandered back home in a slow dizzy fashion, leaving her to make her way onwards to yet another group of friends in another pub.

Beer:
Today I shall head out again. Into this glorious sunshine!
Jets game this arvo (no doubt with KB), and possibly more drinkies somewhere, as a farewell to Mr Z.
Bastard is heading south to see how Melbourne treats him.

Something in the water:
After Mr A's disappearing act up north I'm soon going to start wondering what's up with the boys in this town.
Has someone put something in the T?

Swings and roundabouts make me queasy.

2008-04-24T11:07:00.006+10:00

After a few day off work with evil gastro hell, Mr M took me to the docs last night.
It wasn't my usual... just a medical centre we could find open late.

It was weird. Waiting for ever, watching the awful TV channel that's on too loud, watching the receptionist dropping all the files out of order and taping them back up.
Apparently the only doctor on duty wasn't taking new patients on his books. "He's too popular. He's very good" the elderly man on reception told someone later in the evening.
Don't know how I managed to just walk in an score an appointment.

Turns out 'score' might've been the operative word. The waiting room was full of some pretty strung out types.
And then when I went in the old doc didn't listen properly (trying to cover a growing hearing impediment I think), backdated the certificate to whenever I wanted "you tell me when", and told me to have a glass of orange juice and a hot bath.

Excuse me? I'm half dehydrated and onto the rehydration salts by this stage and he wants me to have a bath "to get the blood to the surface".
I know I'm still sick today and my heads still wonky. But is that not crazy talk?
And I can think of nothing worse than trying to keep a glass of orange juice down*.

We were laughing by the time we left (yep, I was a pretty overtired by this stage) and imagining what all the strung out types were getting this doc to prescribe for them.

Other than that, the last few days have consisted of me being collapsible on various pieces of furniture throughout the house in an attempt at some variety in my exhausted state. I am sooo booorred. Could finally look a the computer screen yesterday for a bit, and today is much better again.

Was so sad on missing out on work yesterday I cried. I had an event on for the teens, making felt softies, and I was plotting and planning and looking forward to it for weeks and weeks. Can't believe I missed it.

On the good news front, because I was home I could take delivery of a fabulous Livingstone order! Ooooh my. So many pretties!
New extra small gloves *phew*, and the cutest little sharps disposal cases you ever did see....

(it fits into your pocket. aaaw.)

...And other sundry sterile and shiny and sharp and chemically things.
Today shall probably be spent daydreaming evil plans to use these new supplies.
*claps hands*

*Fear not. I did manage to eat half a chopped up green apple, and Mr M made me some soup, so I am getting some vitamins, etc.

low batteries

2008-04-18T20:46:00.004+10:00

Feeling quiet and sad and a bit introspective and a bit shut down.
This week of cold wet is starting to seep into my bones.
Can only stay perky, cheerful and upbeat for so long and think this week has almost sapped me of all reserves.
Can now only find brief bursts of smily-happy-lala when neccessity dictates.
How will I refill the stores?

Filched photo: 'sad' by kattepusen16.

Some things

2008-04-14T20:43:00.003+10:00

- I have a new knitted jumper hoodie thing. It's perfect for dogwalking, and I have a hunch it will also prove to be perfect for lying in the park, in the winter sun, crocheting.
- My dog is being supa cute and keeps putting her head on my lap and looking up at me with those eyes for more pats, more pats, more pats, pleeeeese.
- Today I held a 15kg olive python in the library. Marvellous stuff.
- I don't get into many TV shows. But am pleased that the whiney-voiced little girl and the godbotherer aren't on that dancing show anymore. And the queers are in the top 4. This is cool.
- I don't think I can bear going to my cousins hens night. It doesn't entice me; spending an extraordinary amount of money to 'dress parisian' and hang out with pale slender upper north shore girls with names like Penelope, Lucienne & Elspeth.
- God I'm a bitch.
- I'll probably love the bridal shower brunch.
- It's bin night. I probably should get off the computer and put the rubbish out now.
- That is all.

singing the weekend song

2008-04-13T08:53:00.003+10:00

Aaaaah. The weekend.
And it's actually feeling like a weekend and doing weekend things to my head. Like relaxing me and chilling me out and a being a breather from work and other such joys.

Yesterday arvo found me at the footy with wonderful friends and a cold KB (too cold at one time - KB slushies aren't as much fun as you'd think).
Miss A was a vision in loveliness. So much so that we had to forgive the non-team colours she was wearing. But then, no-one does pink as well as she does. And hey, she brought the most delicious wee guiness/coffee/chocolate cupcakes ever, with her as well.

Then onto the pub for another, inbetween patting the Scammer-dog and crocheting.
We all wandered our separate ways into the night, myself up to my brothers' new place for a wee housewarming.
In true innerwest style, his flatmate are friends of friends. So he's close in both place and connections to our big queer family. Which is a good place for a young man straight from the country to be.

Then home to catch up with my boy and dog. On the couch (not the dog) eating a hot apple pastizzi for desert and watching mindless telly before crashing out.
Nice.

Today I am looking forward to heading to the markets later this morning. I'm looking for a port. Not a suitcase. A port. Remember calling them that when we were kids?
I'm thinking that would be a good way of stashing all the many balls of wool I've been acquiring.
Then later today more friends and beer and possibly more crocheting.
*claps hands*
Life is good.

Social Death

2008-04-11T11:07:00.000+10:00

Oh dear me.
I’m never going to live it down.
Goddamn SX has put a photo of me in the scene pages as being at Bada Bing. I feel like writing to them for a formal apology. It was Neotokyo you bastards! As if I’d go to Bada Bing! As if P would wear that mask to a hip hop night!
Actually – she’s the lucky one. Wish I'd had a mask on now.
*sighs*

Mama's brag book.

2008-04-08T21:54:00.005+10:00

My boy turned this rusty old red scooter on the left....

Into this shiny one!

It's british racing green and we tested it out on the weekend when we went cycling with Miss A.
It is beautiful and soon he's going to do up the second scooter.

Meanwhile he's fixed a nice 50's stool up. It's twin will probably also get some attention soon.

Oh, and here's a table he made from some old sewing machine legs we found on top of the shed when we moved in here...

.

I got sunshine...on a rainy day...

2008-04-08T14:00:00.001+10:00

The universe is indeed a crazy beast. Just as I’m feeling that my world couldn’t get any weirder, it sends me some lifelines.
The boss lady comes down to my office to make a heartfelt apology for wrongs done. Followed in quick succession by a surprise visit by my father, and a yummy lunch in that brief patch of sunshine.
And suddenly I can see perspectives again.
Crazy.
*shakes head*

Wear me out.

2008-04-04T09:21:00.001+11:00

Today I’m wearing an outfit that could only be described as ‘Yaya is a showgirl’.
A black top with 3 quarter sleeves that keeps my chest warm, and a shapeless heavy black skirt that reaches mid-calf. Fishnets and red patent leather shoes with sensible heels.
A decided step down from yesterdays goth-loli-librarian look.
But I’m warm and comfy. Mmmmmm.

Trying to stay a little warm because this windy cold weather has sapped my energy a bit.
Big busy weekend. Hope to shoe-horn some housework into it somehow.
Was looking forward to more beering at the Jets on Sat, but just remembered that I’d promised straight-girl that I’d go wedding dress shopping with her again.
Have a KB in my memory kiddies.

Because you're worth it...

2008-04-02T10:26:00.003+11:00

Oh my!

If anyone wants to get me a present... just 'cos, hey, you never know until you ask ...then these will do just fine...
Mama Merit Badges!

The mood at work is a little sombre today because of yesterdays big bad news, so I really had some explaining to do when I got all excited and started bouncing up and down in my chair at these. (How dare I be cheerful when everyone else is gutted eh).

I especially like the storytime one and the needle, and of course the breastfeeding one.
I can think of quite a few awesome challenges to either earn or give out these adorable patches.
Any want to share their ideas? Or sign on to gift or earn?
*evil grin*

A library without cataloguers

2008-04-01T19:48:00.003+11:00

Or collection development staff*

It's like a winery without the winemakers.
It's like a pencil case without any lead pencils in it.
It's like lunchbox without a sandwich.
It's like a TV channel without the evening news.
It's like a camera unable to focus.
It's like a park without trees.

It's just a little not complete. It will still function just fine I'm sure. Who knows what the quality will be like. Will there be a gradual downgrading over time? Or will no-one notice the difference?
Will it actually feel like it's lacking substance as I am predicting.

Technically I should be sad. I am a little. And a tad apprehensive.
But I'm not angry like some people.
I'm also somewhat excited by the concept of this forced change on myself and a workforce that was starting to be too comfortable.

More later, I'm sure.

*these are the people who put the work and love and attention into chosing which books are bought for your friendly local library.

RefGrunt

2008-03-31T21:31:00.002+11:00

aka: what I do at work.

There was this webpage I found so so many years ago called refgrunt.
This librarian kept notes of all of his reference desk queries.
So funny and so true.

Mine's not as funny but it gives you an idea of my job. Here's a sample hour from the kids reference desk today:

Stop hitting things with the blow up mallet.
Yes, that is your only warning today.

Wrestling can go outside to the park lads. Look! It's a beautiful sunny day.

Sorry, these computers are reserved for school kids after school hours.
Try the adult section.

Request for an obscure architect.
Catalog decides to go down that very second.
Try the info desk upstairs.

Jeffrey Archer? Level 1.
Under A for Archer.

Sculpture?
730's

Yes you can go study in there, don't mind the closed door.

Turn the volume down girls. There are others trying to work.

Yes the teens look stressed ma'am. They have exams coming up.

Yes, homework and research takes presedence over online gaming.
I can clear a computer for you.

Yes, your toddler can run around - the whole area is theirs!

Maths books?
510.
Times tables?
Lets have a look. Ref dictionary to the rescue.

Discarded a couple of hidden maths books from the 70's found hiding.

Bookseller wheels out his boxes from my office.
Thankyou. Yes see you in May.

No block towers higher than the shortest person kids.
Yes that includes the babies.
Yes it could hurt them if it falls.
Yes that counts for towers made from the soft furnishings.

It should start up again fine. Let me know if it asks for a password.

funnest meme for a while

2008-03-31T21:24:00.002+11:00

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
Yasmin
Miss Yasmin
Mama

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
Miss Y
Neried
Min

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my face
My breasts
My skin

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
my mid-back
The way I can’t bite things off with my teeth (they don’t line up so well)
When I get cold sores

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
mary, it’s a mixed bag genetically.
So I’ll say: a propensity to be vague.
A fondness for the colours the world turns at sunset
And a habit of collecting rocks when on holidays
Ha.

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
loud noises – esp people yelling
Overcrowded places full of straight people
Having to deal with the budgets at work

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
caffiene
Sugar
love

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
leather wrist band
patent leather mary janes
a purple cardie

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
CocoRosie
Stone Roses
Ali Farka Toure

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment):
Black Betty – Spiderbait
Werewolf – CocoRosie
Back to Black – Amy Winehouse

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
laughter
Trust
freedom

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
I can’t make up my mind about children
I miss doing bi-activist stuff
I miss swimming and camping

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU: laughing eyes
pronounced female at birth
short grey hair

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
dancing
crochet
Annoying Mr M with hugs and kisses when he’s ‘trying to do some work around here!’

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
See in the bedroom (I changed the lightbulb but it’s still stuffed dammit)
Play dressups for a potential photoshoot tomorrow (can’t because I can’t see in the bedroom dammit)
Sleep.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
Geomorphologist
Truck driver (when I was a kid eh :-)
Professional storyteller

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
camping
To my Da’s place
To a magical place in my head where I feel sane

THREE KID NAMES YOU LIKE:
Tallulah
Sebastian
Lucy

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Go to Antarctica
Find a stonebutch who doesn’t believe I’m just a top *ha ha ha*
Write a book and have it published

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
I have a teacup collection
I love shaking my hips when I dance
I love baking

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
I have a huge mother of a toolbox and love playing with my cordless drill.
I try to give solutions to people’s problems rather than just listen to them and empathise.
I hold open doors and readily give up my seat on public transport. …what?…oh that’s how boys should be….oh dear.

Weekending

2008-03-30T13:43:00.002+11:00

This weekend:
- My little brother came by and took his stuff and has fully moved out now. I'm pretty glad he's stayed in the ghetto though, and we haven't lost him to the wilds of bondi or similar.
- We had a new fence built this last week. Or more to the point, the neighbours built one. Gone is the old rickety wonder, all covered in vines, that I loved so much. So Mr M has spent the weekend nailing up lattice and painting it purple and buying rainforest palms and doing similar such things to bring the green and the visual stimulation back for me. Lovekins.
- I went to buy milk, and yesterdays paper, and croissants for breakfast this morning. It was a lovely morning stroll. Paddington style 'cos I had my big straight-girl sunnies on to protect my sore head from the glare.
- I tested out my new custom-made boots last night. A few hours dancing at Phoenix. Not even close to sore and no rubbing. Sweet.
- Heading out to someones' BBQ soon. Get to see Miss L's sister and her son - who Mick sourced and fixed up a bike for. Lovely arvo for a BBQ and friends.
- Oh, and yesterday was a bit of a write off. Haven't experienced such inexplicable anger and rage for a while. All morning I seethed and fumed and punched and cried and kicked and swore. Scared the boy and the dog and a few others again. Glad it's over now though. Weird and upsetting. All sunshine and daisies and rainbows again today though kiddies.
Tra-la-la!

Success! (see previous post)

2008-03-28T20:43:00.003+11:00

Haha! So it's not so cold out there, but myself and the simply gorgeous Miss A sat in the pub this evening and drank beer and crocheted and gossiped.
And it was everything wonderful that I'd hoped for.
Not to mention just what my head and heart needed after a painful imploding kind of day. (ouch)
Now I'm happy and home in my jarmies and just watched the tail end of Black Books.
*claps hands*
I hope the rest of the weekend continues on this upwards swing.

Daydreaming of a different kind.

2008-03-27T18:58:00.003+11:00

Wool wool wool
crochet crochet crochet
Where's winter?
I want to sit in a cozy pub, (on low chairs, not those high bastard stools that you need a ladder and gymnastics experience to get onto them), with a large beer. Maybe a stout even. Or a red wine. Yes! Red wine, with the bottle on the table.
And I want to sit and natter to friends and crochet-o-rama into the night.

Of course, when we do get to winter I'll probably be pissed off at the cold, and freeze under a lap rug in my little icy terracehouse.
Ah well. *shrugs*

All stirred up.

2008-03-25T18:46:00.005+11:00

Today at work an email came through from another organisation introducing their new staff member that was a woman I once worked with. She was, in hindsight and not only by my estimation, an office psychopath. Even seeing her name has stirred up all sorts of stuff. And starting from today's unsteady footing already, it wasn't pretty.

But I did get a lot of thinking done about where I'm at, I must admit.

Once upon a time...
There was this woman who had what I perceived to be an upsetting habit of consistently saying one thing and doing another. Her actions always betraying her carefully chosen words. I don't believe this was badly intentioned. It just was what it was.
In fact, I have a hunch that from her perspective it came from a good place in the end. But at the time it upset me and I was ungenerously cranky about it.

And today on the wet crowded train platform coming home from work I realised that I was guilty of the same thing. Stone cold guilty. Yep indeed... that old chestnut of 'whatever upsets you in someone is a reflection of something in yourself'.

I realised that there was something I had in the past said in all clarity and ernestness to someone, that I should have meant. But I didn't actually mean. And I believe I was also betrayed by my actions. And it has taken me some time now to realise what I actually think and feel.
And now I'm not sure if I'm stupid for not working it all out sooner.
Or just lucky I didn't.
I think I'm filing this one under 'lucky' for now.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep

2008-03-25T13:28:00.003+11:00

Back at work is yucky today. I brought my bad mood along for the ride, and even doing storytime isn’t dragging me free of it.
Having a little fun though... planning the making softies with the kids next school holidays.
I’ll put some photos up of my practice creations soon.

Thankyou’s go out to the 2 lovely lads who bled for me yesterday. Such different skin and designs and energies. But both marvellous.

And now here’s a poem I can’t believe I haven’t come across before.
*breathes out*

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
by Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of the easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Edit: And here's a lovely quote I've also just chanced across...
"Keep your weakness intact. Don't try to acquire strengths, above all those that aren't for you, not meant for you, that nature has preserved you from, preparing you for something else."
- Henri Michaux

xx
-Miss Y

Nothing interesting. Just blah.

2008-03-24T09:10:00.007+11:00

Had a great dance at Civil Disobedience last night. We were glad the music picked up a little, to make the trip to a different part of the city worth while. And there was a little bit of eyecandy around. Almost enough to keep me entertained and not think, though fortunately not so much that I went into sugar shock.

One day left of my holiday now.
It's felt like one really, really big weekend. Hanging out with the boy and dog at home. Catching up with the family. Going out dancing at night. Not getting enough housework done.

I think next holiday I'll need to go away somewhere to make it feel different.

On a different note. I finally sat down and downloaded all the photos off my phone.
Here's a few from the last year:

On a train on a sunny summers afternoon I thought I could smell amyl... The drink can, condom packet and sticky floor just added to the whole atmosphere...

From a poster exhibition at QAG...photo taken for Miss A, but I keep forgetting to send it to her. Here you are darlin'...

Puppies relaxing for a split second on a recent beer and crochet visit to the park... Hurrah for Kelpie ears!

My teensy contribution to the great masses of Mardi Gras 08 photos...

A business man having a quiet breakdown at the library... I was wasn't feeling so good that day myself, and strangely it was comforting that I wasn't alone in having rough days. He up and left quickly as I packed up my lunch things, so I didn't even get a chance to get closer to see if he was in real strife or even give him a smile.

My sisters' pup when it was little. Looking a tad quietly freaked out by me approaching...

Equinox moon or something bigger entirely?

2008-03-23T11:44:00.003+11:00

There's these new big energies in my life lately. And crazy dreams that make me want to try hard to remember them because there was something urgent in them I felt I needed to know.

And nights of strange social encounters that remind me of years ago. Different ways of interacting with people than in recent years past.
There's a sense of frantic movement forward. And most things are looking up.

I feel like I'm running along side something big and still trying to keep things together. Trying to fit in the mundane (vacuuming, eating meals at home, charging my phone) amongst this surging sensation.

Does anyone else feel it?
Or is it just in me?

What's my safeword?

2008-03-21T20:24:00.003+11:00

I don't think I can do much more of this...
2 days of wedding dress shopping with the straight girl, and then a day at the easter show.

I am such a goddamn snob, but I really do think I've knocked shoulders with enough straight people in the last few days to last me quite a while thank you very much.

This is not what I meant by masochism.

2008-03-18T19:58:00.003+11:00

In some strange way I have had an afternoon taster of the straight world again.
I remember this weird place. It's like wearing an ill-fitting jacket while everyone tells you that it looks great on you, and hey they're wearing one too, and don't we all look so fantastic together!
*sighs*

Anyway. I think this arvo was the universe easing me into this world before the next 2 days of wedding dress shopping with my straight-girl sister and my mother (sis is the one getting married btw. Ma has already had 3 cracks at that version of fun).

Straight-girl gave me a pedicure voucher for my birthday. After months of putting it off, I went in this afternoon. Mainly to play nice, because she would be soooo excited tomorrow to see me with painted toenails. And the nicer I play, the more likely I get a say in what dress I have to 'bridesmaid' in (No. I don't want to talk about it okay.)

So I'm sitting in a weird massage chair, kinda trying to go with the flow, but it's obvious that I'm a fish out of water. Everyone else seems to know what is happening and expects me to as well. There's a little bit of nail clipping and foot massage. But then most unnerving thing happens - the lady looks at the bottom of my feet, pulls a face, and then takes to them with a GODDAMN CHEESE SLICER and full sheets of skin are falling on the floor! WTF!

By the way, my feet are not that awful. I do walk around outside without shoes sometimes. They aren't calloused or anything. Yet still the lady decided they were not as baby soft and pink as they should be.

I topped off the afternoon-immersion in the straight world by reading one of those Cleo/Cosmo mags while waiting for the nail polish to dry.
Almost as scary as the cheese slicer.

My nerves are a bit shattered and I need to gather myself before tomorrow's 'fun'.
Please, dear friends, do come and have a beer with me at the Sly tomorrow evening. I think I'm going to need some crazy queer times to balance myself a bit.

Body conciousness

2008-03-17T10:51:00.003+11:00

Cashed in a massage gift voucher from Mr M yesterday.
Fantastic massage. Reiki, the works. Awesome.
But later that arvo, crashed with a massive headache. Boo.
Too much unravelling in one sitting.

Still, 'twas interesting the attention on each body part, that brought back (sometimes strange) body memories.
Knees remembering dancing for 2 days at Tropical Fruits...how could they forget really.
Upper chest remembering a rope corset from 6 years ago.
Shins will probably always remember that tumble, 4 years ago.

And it was wonderful being brought back even more to my body. I can forget to focus on it sometimes.
All the time.
Ignoring it. Using it for others. Out of bed to look after people. Forget the sore wrist to help carry something. Ignore the headache to stay talking.
Even the cutting that I love so so much, as toppy as it is, it is still in a way service to others. So much energy building up, with no real release.

I need to experience more pain and joy in this body. I need to inhabit it more.
I see so many friends capable of doing this. The way the dress themselves, exercise in different ways, and clearly put themselves out there for play.
I have a hunch it's time for me to sort this out eh.